Grand Slam
by staceleo
Summary: Bella and Edward are starting freshman year in college. What hijinks could they possibly get into when dealing with sororities, fraternities, amorous professors and a parrot named Annie Oakley? A Curve Ball sequel.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: In honor of my story Things in Nature winning the Judges Award (and a few other honors) for the Twi-Fic Text Message LOL contest, I bring you the sequel to Curve Ball. (You can find Things in Nature on my profile.)**

**Enjoy.**

Grand Slam

Chapter 1

"Isn't it beautiful here?" Baseball Boy was in awe of all the big, brick buildings. "I mean look at the landscaping!"

Yes, the campus was lovely for the start of the new school year. Of course, the drunk freshmen haven't yet thrown up all over the quad after their first keggar.

I was trying to figure out the best way to unload the car and here was my kid getting all weepy over some flowering bushes. I was the man in this relationship.

"Kid, we have a whole lot of bags and I have a need for pizza." I turned to her Annie Oakley making noises in the car. "Annie needs to spread her wings."

I pulled out my bird's cage and she squawked as I pulled her out. She let out a mighty, "Fuck Edward Cullen!"

It was if Annie put out a sorority girl signal, because two blonde ones wearing short shorts came running.

"Hi! Do you need any help?" The tallest of the blonde ones directed her comments to my kid. "The sisters of Alpha Chi Delta..."

"No." I stated. They looked at me like they were surprised I was there. "Annie, inform these ladies what the deal is."

"Bella fucks Edward!" Annie crowed.

I patted her feathers, "Good bird. Annie is correct. I fuck the kid here. He is mine."

My kid started beaming like a little ray of Edward Cullen sunshine.

"What?" The shortest of the blonde ones screeched. I must be ruining her getting her flirt on with my boyfriend. "What's wrong with your bird?"

"She's brilliant. That's how she got into Yale," I explained. "How the hell did you?"

"Why I never!" The tallest blonde exclaimed. Well fiddle dee dee, Barbie. "You'll never get into Alpha Chi!"

"Cool." I grabbed my kid with my free hand. "Listen girlies, my kid and I need to christen my room and move on to his. We're like bunnies."

They were in shock. Their mouths were wide open like blow up dolls. Which I think the two burly frat boys walking passed us agreed. They were ogling the blonde merchandise. Or at least that's what I thought.

Baseball boy wrapped his arms around me and growled at them. "Mine."

I do love a jealous kid.

Annie repeated, "Fuck Edward!"

Kid growled, "That's right! She's fucking Edward Cullen, captain of the Fork's Baseball Team!"

He slammed the car door shut. Then he proceeded to swing me and my bird over his shoulder. It was a bit awkward, but...

Well damn. I likey.

I did have to point out. "Technically, you are a lowly batter on the Yale baseball team now."

He swatted my butt. "Quiet. I'm being manly."

I shut up, because I did like this manly kid. I also loved the weird looks we were getting.

"Bella, we will be getting our things later. I need to make manly and aggressive love to you before our roommates arrive."

"Okay," I agreed with a soft whisper.

Whoa.

The tallest blonde one looked like she was going to faint. "We're having a mixer tonight at..."

"No thank you. I will be ravishing my lady." He was just killing me here.

The goatee frat boys just stared. My kid started walking away with a purpose, still carrying me and the bird. His purpose was going to be plowing into me. Glory, glory hallelujah.

"Toodles," I called out giving our new classmates a wave.

We were already making friends on the first day. Yes indeed.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Howdy.**

Chapter 2

Dorm rooms were tiny.

It was a closet with Internet hookup, but I gather if you cram in two beds and desks you can call it home. A home that my kid had decided to once again make sure I physically knew who I was dating. On the tiny bed, he had his way with me. It was uncomfortable, but we would manage, even though I think I had a concussion from my head banging into the wall.

We were becoming sexual deviants. I was strangely okay with this development.

He was a possessive monkey around all these new people.

It was weird.

Annie Oakley was sleeping in a corner. Good bird. It's been a long trip.

My kid dropped off my boxes and I sent him off on his way to his dorm. I needed to make disturbing tiny McDonald's Barbies dioramas for my roomie.

I pulled out a purple floral bed spread. Damn Teeny Tiny Dictator!

How did she replace my things? Baseball Boy. They would both feel my wraith.

I tossed the horrific linens on the odd shaped dorm bed and started making a garden party for the dolls. A headless garden party. Well not quite headless. The were using one head as a soccer ball.

"That is fucking cool." A raspy voice observed. I looked up to see a goth girl staring at me. "I thought you were going to be some perky little slut."

"I thought you were going to be a sorority girl wannabe. I guess we both were wrong," I pointed out.

This Heidi chick was nothing like the picture they sent me. In that she was California bronze with artful blonde highlights and a Ralph Lauren polo shirt. What stood before me was combat boots and dyed black hair. Her piercings were fierce like the look upon her face. I liked her.

She plopped down beside me and pointed to my pile of heads. "Can I black out their eyes?"

"Knock yourself out." I was busy gluing.

A couple rushed in with their matching linen button downs and Tevas. The pearl wearing momma smiled. "Heidi baby, you're already making friends! Isn't she adorable, Jim?"

I looked at her and stated, "No."

Heidi gave a snort.

Jim, the dad, looked at us both and sighed. He knew this was not a good combination for his daughter's rebellion. I would be an accomplice not a role model. Chief Charlie had it easy with me. "Maybe we can check out the campus? Go to dinn..."

"Drop off my stuff and leave," Heidi said. She was busy blacking out tiny eyeballs with a Sharpie. "The roommate and I are busy. What's your name again?"

"Your worst nightmare." I made her snort again. "Bella."

"Cool." She looked at her parents. "Leave."

They rushed out after kissing her head and tossing money in the bed. I was impressed.

"They seem nice," I observed.

"They are," Heidi admitted. "I need to keep them in line."

"You do." I nodded my head in agreement. You really did. It was my philosophy with Chief Charlie.

"What are we doing with these things?" Heidi asked. "There are so many options."

I picked up a doll. "Now that I don't need to scare you, let's leave them outside our floor neighbors' rooms. I think it will give them some insight to what they're dealing with."

"That works." Heidi smirked.

We were roommate soul mates. Kate was going to like this when I email her later.

Two hours later, Baseball Boy came in to take me to dinner.

Heidi and I were listening to Portishead and making plans for Yale domination. We were going to be the sororities worst nightmare. We wrote detailed lists.

He looked at us both huddled on the floor and jotting things down with his mouth wide open. Good thing there wasn't a fly in the room, because it would be destined to land in kid's gaping mouth hole.

"This is Heidi. She's getting pizza with us. Modern pizzeria. There's going to be a parking issue. Let's go." I pointed to the door. That's when I noticed a geeky, skinny kid following Baseball Boy. He was like Urkle from that ancient television show, _Family Matters_. His giant glasses were fantastic. "Who's the guy?"

Edward sighed. "This is my roommate, Felix."

Hee hee.

Felix looked at his feet and muttered, "Hi."

Heidi snorted.

As we exited the room, my kid grabbed my arm. "When are we getting our apartment? Felix collects frogs. They keep looking at me!"

My kid has an irrational fear of amphibians.

"When we find a two bedroom," I explained. "I'm keeping Heidi."

Baseball Boy groaned. "Only you would get a roommate that compliments you."

Only me indeed.

I was going to like Yale.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 (EPOV)

I stared despondently at the _Star Wars_ and _Big Bang Theory_ posters. What was wrong with this guy?

Felix and I were not getting along.

One more comment about the obnoxious sexual and violent content of my _Game of Thrones_ and _Lord of the Rings_ framed artwork and I would dismantle his Death Star made out of Legos.

That guy had it coming.

Our mini fridge was divided in half by fluorescent tape and Felix had every object labeled with masking tape with our names on it.

That guy had an issue with sharing. Of course, there was no way in hell he was touching my chocolate pudding. I was saving it for my lady.

I glowered at him from my bed, as I watched him type away on some _Deep_ _Space Nine_ chat room. Hadn't that show been cancelled since the nineties?

Apparently, some girl named CosmicTwilightPrincess was a dead ringer for some actress that played a character from the show. Felix might be a genius, but he was pretty stupid about people. He was furious when I pointed out that it was in fact a picture from _TMZ_. The logo was in the corner. How could he not know?

I would bet gold coins from the empire that Felix is really talking to a taxidermist named Bob. I would probably have to rescue that poor dupe and make him my squire.

It could be worse. Garrett's roommate was a football player who only spoke in the third person and jerked off on the top bunk at least ten times a day.

Garrett was texting me about this unfortunate event and threatening to use the mighty sword of his family to slice that offending member off.

I missed my best friend.

At least, Garrett's roommate was getting some affection from his hand. I wasn't going to get any satisfaction of the Bella kind in this room. Felix had declared it a fornication free zone and threatened the limbs of my _Xena, Warrior Princess_ action figures.

Who does that?

I tried to read, but his clicking was driving me up the wall.

I could visit my lady, but she was busy making the preppy girls who lived in her dorm miserable with her roommate, the Witch of Harrison Hall.

This wasn't fair.

We had a perfectly wonderful, furnished apartment waiting for us!

I should have probably told Bella that I had rented it. We could be christening it at this very moment.

The clicking and the laughing like a donkey, was making me homicidal. I was seriously considering sticking his Mr. Spock doll in his skull.

_Click, click_. "Hee Haw. Hee haw."

I jumped up and grabbed my manly bag. "I'm going out."

_Click, click_. "Hee Haw. Hee Haw."

Not even a good-bye. Those Trekkies were uncouth heathens!

I was going to my apartment with it's HBO and stocked kitchen full of unlabeled snack foods.

It was going to be heaven.

_Click. Click_. "Hee Haw. Hee Haw."


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Hee hee.**

Chapter 4

He was up to something.

I said as much to Heidi as we headed to our first class. It was Feminist Writings 101. It seemed fitting.

"Do you think he met someone else?" Heidi stated, making my eyes narrow. I skidded to a halt. "You two are so different..."

"No."

"No?" She looked at me warily.

"Let me key you into some truths, Miss Marilyn." Marilyn as in Marilyn Manson. "My kid is faithful, because it is a fact that he loves me in a way that could border on disturbed. On that note, if he is being shifty, it has to be something that is for my benefit. A benefit that I don't particularly want at the moment. Think impromptu weddings or a horrible grandma mobile that will protect me like a tank."

She looked at me in confusion. "You two are opposites!"

I looked at her and the campus. It made me want to wear tweed and smoke a pipe.

"He plays Dungeons & Dragons. Edward also likes to wear tunics and breeches when relaxing at home," I explained.

"Oh," Heidi said simply. "Now it all makes sense."

"It does." I nodded, as we continued towards the large building that housed our first college class. "Now we need to see what my kid is up to. I like to plan out his punishment early. It's better than coming up with something on the fly. This is how I keep him in line."

"Are we playing super spies?" Heidi asked.

"Yes. Mary Jane is coming this weekend and she has perfect plans for these operations." I tapped my chin. "Kid will be distracted by Teeth. He'll be itching to let his best boy friend in on his duplicity."

"What?" Heidi asked. "Can you please speak English and not Bella Speak for one minute!"

Right.

"Kate used to be a stoner. I called her Mary Jane and it stuck. She's my best friend and now that her head is clear, she can come up with great plans. Teeth is Garrett. He has a large smile. It's scary and full of his pearly white chompers. Edward, my kid, tells him everything."

"You have everyone figured out, don't you?" She asked in amazement.

"I do, Grasshopper. Follow my lead and you might someday get marginally close to my powers."

As we approached the entrance of the building covered in collegiate ivy found most often at Ivy League destinations, I was shocked by the large amount of polo wearing young men that stood hovering. There wasn't a keg or a lacrosse match taking place, so shouldn't they be at the frat playing sexually harass the freshmen?

That's when my personal hell came to New Haven.

"Bella! Darling Bella! That's my best friend, Bella! And boys...that girl's lips are magical!"

The preppy sea of boys parted and there she stood.

The diabolical cheerleader of doom was leering in front of me.

Tanya Fucking Denali.

"Hi sugar, it seems we are exploring feminism together!" She winked at the boys and pushed out her boobs. "I'm a lesbian."

They almost all fell over from lust.

"Larry?" Please let her say he's coming to whisk her away from here.

"We parted ways." She said with a little pout. "He said I was needy."

No shit.

She gave me a horrible little smirk. "There was an opening in the room next to yours."

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

"Bella?" Heidi shook me out of my shock. "Are you friends with her?"

"Hells no," I whispered. "She came out of the bowels of hades to ruin my college experience."

"That cleavage says bowels of hell," Heidi said quietly.

I noticed Heidi staring at Tanya's inappropriate cleavage with swoony eyes.

I didn't predict that twisty twist.

Damn it.


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: Hi.**

Chapter 5

"That's hilarious, girl!"

Kate hadn't stopped laughing, since I picked her and Teeth from the train station.

"It is hell, Mary Jane." We were pulling on our black ensembles. We looked like ninjas. Maybe bank robbers. Probably the most accurate description was ridiculous. "She is the enemy and you don't have to deal with her."

Tanya was following me around like a bad case of acne. I would try to scrub myself and she'd remain like a pus filled sore. I wished I popped her high school when I had a chance.

"I think she seems nice," Heidi is always dressed in black, so she was ready to roll. She was laying on her bed and daydreaming about the disturbed cheer queen.

"You think her boobs are nice." I glowered at my roommate. "I deem you a traitor, Heidi."

"Come on, Bella," Heidi whined.

I heard snickering. I gave Kate a sharp look. She had no issues. Her artsy fartsy roommate was always at her boyfriend's apartment. Teeth had practically moved into her dorm, even though he went to an entirely different college.

Heidi was always in our room carving weird pictures and now Tanya's image on her bed frame. I liked the girl, but really. My kid had Captain Kirk's nerdy stalker hanging around. Baseball Boy wasn't sure, but it appeared the guy was jerking off to the Next Generation's Captain Picard. My kid and I had no luck at all.

Kate pulled on her black knit cap and announced, "Heidi can redeem herself you know."

"Smoking the wacky weed again, Mary Jane?" I asked. "My roomie here is in love with my female mortal enemy. The only way this could get worse is if she becomes pen pals with James Taylor."

Kate laughed.

Heidi looked confused. "Like the singer?"

"See. Somebody gets it," I said to Kate.

Kate sat on my bed. "Heidi will be your Tanya distraction."

Oh.

"Do you mean..." Heidi began to ask cautiously.

"You are going to seduce Tanya Denali," Kate said.

"I accept the mission!" Heidi jumped up and posed like a superhero.

I was pretty upset at myself that I didn't come up with this plan. I blame my kid and his duplicity. I've been distracted and it ends tonight.

Someone with zero manners forgot to learn how to knock, strolled into the room.

Tanya.

She wore a skin tight black catsuit. She took slutty to new very special levels. We were trying to blend in and not have people thinking we were walking around with a stripper.

"Let's get this party started, bitches!" Tanya announced. She licked her lips at me. "Bella, I'm going to prove your man is a liar. You'll be begging for me in a couple of hours."

"Doubtful, Medusa." I grabbed my camera bag. "Who invited you?"

"Goth girl." Tanya smiled at her. "Thank you, honey."

Heidi beamed. I wanted to strangle her.

Annie Oakley squawked, "Fuck Edward Cullen!"

"You still have that thing?" Tanya said with a sneer.

"Don't diss Bella's bird," Kate reprimanded. That was true friend.

"Fuck Edward Cullen!" My bird was on repeat.

"Listen to my bird. I shall be doing sexual acts with my Edward, but for his duplicity, I shall make it all about me. A lesson must be learned or he'll never do what he's told."

Kate nodded in agreement.

"You're so pretty!" Heidi patted Tanya's head. Tanya smiled.

That was obnoxious, but you have to use what you got. We were a ragtag team of misfits. We'd be lucky to follow my kid out of the parking lot without getting caught.

I sighed. Let's get this party started.


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: Hello there. Maybe two today. We'll see.**

Chapter 6

This was a debacle of epic proportions.

We were trying to spy in the popular pizzeria that was jammed pack with our fellow students. It took us forty-five minutes to get in and while trying to wait for a table, watch Baseball Boy and Teeth eat their pie.

I was starving and salivating over the mozzarella that was hanging off of my kid's mouth. I wanted to eat it off of him. I really love pizza.

Heidi couldn't stop staring and awkwardly flirting with Tanya.

Kate kept giggling like a drunk hyena. I could swear that girl was high.

Tanya was pinching my ass, as we hide behind some fake ferns.

"Will you cut it out!" I complained. I swatted her hands.

Heidi placed Tanya's hand on her behind. "You can pinch mine!"

"Thanks, Honey!" Tanya gave her a wink and pinched.

Heidi squealed in delight.

Kate burst into obnoxious giggles.

I was about to stick all of them in the nearby pizza oven to get them out of my hair.

Did my kid and his grinning cohort notice?

Of course not, they had a portable Dungeon & Dragons game board and were conquering nations.

"Your table is ready," a waitress announced, chomping her gum loudly between words.

Damn, I missed Trailer Trash Barbie.

She pointed to a table directly across from my kid's.

"That won't work. Those boys can't see us," I stated.

"Y'all pledging?"

"No way!" Heidi scoffed.

"Not yet," Tanya explained.

"Really?" Heidi asked.

"You should do it, too!" Tanya winked at her. "I can clean you up, so we can be in the same sorority. We can be sisters. Kissing sisters."

There was pinching and more Heidi squealing.

I gagged.

Kate giggled loudly.

The boys looked over.

"Duck!" I hissed.

Down we went.

I looked up at the waitress. "Two large pepperoni pizzas to go."

"Of course, you'd want sausage," Tanya complained.

"Go home, demon woman," I growled.

The waitress shrugged. "Fucking college kids."

Two hours later, we were still sitting on the dirty linoleum and eating pizza.

"Are they finished yet?" Tanya was licking pizza grease off her fingers and Heidi was having a visual orgasm.

It was disturbing.

"They can keep going until the restaurant closes up for the night," Kate explained. "Have you ever had to sit through a marathon Dungeons & Dragon game. Bella and I have. It ain't pretty."

Indeed.

"They are packing up!" Heidi explained.

"Hallelujah!" Kate and I shouted.

"Shh!" Tanya hissed. "What about the pizza?"

"We bring it, harlot." I glared at her.

Leave no pizza behind.

We waited until they exited the building and hurried out behind them.

They were not heading towards campus.

The truth was soon to be discovered. Hopefully, there would be sodas. That pizza made me really thirsty.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

It felt like we were being taken on a treasure hunt around the city.

A treasure hunt to see what the hell my kid was up to.

Our squabbling posse was losing patience, with this development, because we were almost back to campus.

"This was pointless," Tanya complained. "I could be at the Theta Chi mixer."

"No one is asking you to stay, Crazy," I pointed out, ignoring Heidi's pouting. "Go find the frat boy you'll be using this year to buy you beer."

"Sorority girl, Bella darling." Tanya fluffed her hair. "You'll thank me later when I will be supplying all of us with wine and margaritas courtesy of Buffy, Paris or Dakota."

"Do you think they know that we are following them and they are leading us on a wild goose chase?" Heidi asked.

Kate peered at the boys who stood on a sidewalk next to the Green. "No. Garrett is taking pictures. Edward is taking him on a nighttime city tour."

Those two boys weird. No wonder Kate and I were dating them.

"I guess we know Edward's secret, Bella. Dorky nighttime wandering. What a discovery," Tanya said sarcastically. "Wait...where are they going?"

There was a doorway next to an upscale clothing shop. Edward unlocked it and the boys went in. The mystery would be solved in there.

We crossed the busy street and rushed to the door, stumbling over one another. I grabbed the door. It was locked.

Damn it.

"I'll take care of this." Tanya pulled a bobby pin from her hair. She quickly unlocked the door. There was a small foyer with mailboxes and a staircase. "See! I am good for something!"

"Giving me a headache," I said, refusing to compliment her. It was somewhat cool trick.

Heidi gave Tanya an amorous gaze. "How did you learn how to do that?"

"I've been picking all of Bella's locks. Her truck, the front door of her house, her locker in high..."

Never mind. It wasn't cool at all.

"I should have you arrested." I felt Kate grab my arm.

"Bella, calm down," Kate said.

That was silly. I'm always calm. I would never hit Tanya. That would mean I would have to touch her. Revenge is better. I had some planning to do, but first...

"Let's see what my kid is up to." I looked at the mailboxes and written on one was, Mr. and Mrs. Cullen. He better not have. "It's number three."

I stomped towards the apartment and arriving to the door I banged loudly. I could hear sounds of horses and sword play. The happy chatter I heard from the boys made me guess _Lord of the Rings_ marathon.

"Mrs. Leibovitz, I promise we will turn down the..." My kid saw me and his eyes widened. "Oh shit."

"You better believe it, buckaroo." I pushed him inside with my finger. "You have some 'splaining to do, Lucy."

"It's our love nest!" He squealed. "I love you!"

I know. That's why he isn't dead.

"I thought we discussed we need the dorms, because of our scholarships..."

"That was you. I didn't need my scholarship," he admitted. "I have a pretty sizable bank account."

Not many things get a reaction out of me, but that did.

"What? Did someone die in the last couple days? A recent windfall inheritance?" Maybe I would kill him. You get three square meals a day in prison. I was scary. I could rule over the ladies of the big house.

"I had forgotten about my special bank account. I had sold the company when I was a sophomore. The money has been accruing interest," He said this proudly.

"You're company?" I guess you really don't know everything about someone.

He grinned, as I sat on the couch. The comfy and oh so soft couch. I wanted to sink into it and watch the big screen TV. "I sold medieval swords over the Internet. Dad made me quit and sell my business to a vendor we know on the Renaissance festival circuit."

"That is so bizarre," Heidi said. She added after looking around, "Wow! This place is really nice!"

It was.

That big screen TV was beautiful.

I needed to concentrate. "You never thought to mention any of this to me."

"I honestly forgot! Garrett was my partner and..." My kid started to say.

Kate grabbed Teeth's arm. "You were _what_?"

"I literally forgot about it, Kate Hudson!" Teeth looked panicked. "I have a pretty nice nest egg for us."

"We are going back to our hotel room and have a very long chat, Garrett!" Kate looked at me. "Girl, I'll see you tomorrow."

Tanya chuckled. "Trouble in paradise."

"Leave." I pointed to the door.

"I'll walk you back to the dorms, Tanya! We are neighbors." Heidi smiled.

Tanya took her hand. "Let's go cuddle in your room, Honey."

Gross. They all left and I was resigned that I had to stay here.

There was a giant fridge. My kid opened in up and it was filled with my favorite snacks.

He was tempting me.

"It was an impulse, Bella. I was worried about our roommate situation. Felix is horrible!" My kid pointed out sadly.

"You should have told me first."

"I know." He put on the pouty face, as he handed me a soda. He knew me so well. "I was just so excited that there was an extra room for Annie Oakley."

"She'd get her own room?" My bird liked her own space.

He was playing me like a fiddle, by using my Annie.

I sighed. "She can live here."

"What about you?" My kid sat next to me and pulled me into his devious arms. I kind of liked this side of him. It wasn't fun getting my way all the time. "I really am sorry."

"I will stay here part-time. Not for you, but having Tanya as a neighbor will be unbearable." I lied. He was a big part of me moving in.

Edward nuzzled his face into my neck and started sucking on it. He said into my skin, "I've missed this."

I turned off my kid's movie and started watching late night talk shows. "I've missed watching my shows on a big screen."

"Want to go see the bedroom?" He caressed my chest and I removed his hands.

"Nope." I pointed to the kitchen. "Being me some chips, wench."

Can't have him getting too cocky.


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: I don't usually bother you all with long author's notes, but today I hope you forgive this one. First, this story if up on the poll for The Lemonade Stand. It you would like to vote for it or one of the other great stories, you can find it on tehlemonadestand. (Not a typo. It is teh.)**

**Also, my stories Curve Ball and A Sort of Fairy Tale are on the poll for completed stories in May at Twifanfictionrecs. If you would like to vote for them that would be swell, but I must say that the other stories on there are fantastic picks as well.**

**Finally, at my college we had naked May Day. It inspired this chapter.**

Chapter 8

I had a shadow and her name was Tanya Denali.

This was a major reason I spent most of my time at the apartment. Along with the delicious snacks. I can't forget about the TV. Not to mention, Annie Oakley is happier there. I think I'm forgetting something... Hmm... Right, my kid is around for canoodling. It is a winning situation at the present time.

The good news was that she wasn't trying to do her questionable seduction techniques anymore. She did, however, decide we were confidants. This was almost worse.

I blame freshmen year and not knowing anyone. Tanya was clinging to the familiar and the familiar was me. Damn it.

"What do you think Heidi's deal is?" Tanya asked as we walked to some idiotic seminar we had to take.

It seems I had every class with her. It was hot and I was wearing my protective hoodie, but there was no protection from her chatter. Just me sweating and wanting ear plugs.

She just kept with the jibber and the jabbering. "Do you think she has a pretty face beneath all that black lipstick and kabuki makeup she wears sometimes?"

"I have no clue." Then it hit me. "You like her, even with all the Marilyn Manson and skull heads. What is it with you and social outcasts?"

"We talked last night when you were at Edward's. Heidi has some interesting theories about the world," she said, with an embarrassed grin.

I was just shocked Tanya could comprehend a discussion about interesting theories. This was Tanya, so quite possibly this discussion was about lip gloss flavors.

"I really don't want to talk about this."

Feelings and girl talk gave me hives. I was scratching my arm already.

"She made me this, because I like Hello Kitty." Tanya was blushing.

Of course, she would like Hello Kitty.

Placed into my hand was a keychain. It was a Hello Kitty skull with the pink bow on it's creepy head.

"That is probably the best thing ever," I admitted. I had never seen Hello Kitty look so charming.

"What should I do?" Tanya asked.

Leave me alone?

I gave her a glare. "Are you going to make her change."

"No. I like her and all the black."

"Good. Talk to her and leave me out of it." Please, please no details of their sapphic love life. Actually, I wouldn't want to hear about anyone's relationship. I'm equal opportunity keep me in the dark about your love. I won't ask, so don't you tell me.

Tanya grabbed my arm. I shook her off. Why will no one respect my boundaries? She hissed, "It's like history repeating itself! How can any respectable woman find those hanging pieces of hose attractive? Though if you draw eyes on the top with magic marker, you already have the ears and the trunk..."

I looked out over the common area and running in circles on the grass was a group of naked boys. It was like the good old days when my posse and I wrecked that vile Fonzie's bike.

"Idiots," I scoffed. "At least when the Fork's baseball team did that it wasn't intentional. It was stupid, but not purposefully stupid. There's a big difference."

"I didn't know the fraternities started their pledging yet. I thought rush started in a couple of weeks." Tanya shrugged.

That's when I saw a familiar flash of red hair and the baseball mitts on the boys hands. A group of older boys were taking pictures.

It was the goddamn baseball team. It was my soon to be crying boyfriend, because when I was done with him, there will be tears.

"Edward Masen Cullen! Get your pale ass over here!"

I yelled. I never yell as a matter of principal, but there was a group of girls ogling my man. This was not continuing.

Bright red and thoroughly embarrassed, my kid ran up. "I'm so sor..."

"You better be sorry. Cover yourself with that mitt, Mister." My kid and the rest of the naked boys covered themselves with their mitts. They all looked mortified. Good. I pulled off my hoodie and put it on my kid. It was giant and black. It covered him perfectly. "Who came up with this moronic plan?"

A big guy with over stylized hair, strutted over like a damned peacock. "Tyler King, captain of the baseball team. We are just having some nice team bonding. You have a nice rack, by the way."

I looked down at my tank top, which was why I always wore the hoodie. They did look bigger today. Weird.

"I would have to agree, Bella," Tanya gave me an appreciative look. "Perky."

"Shut up, Tanya," I announced, as Baseball Boy's face turned red with anger. I did find his jealousy attractive. I said to the jerk, "This rack is not to be commented on by you. Let's discuss this hazing..."

That was when that Tyler creep did the unthinkable. He grabbed my breast and squeezed. "I agree. Perky."

I saw both Baseball Boy and Tanya become full of rage, but I fight my own battles. I grabbed the dick by the dick. "You like that?"

"That's more like it, baby..." He cooed and I squeezed. Hard.

He was on his knees and crying like a baby. "The...pain...oh...damn..."

"Here is what is going to happen, Douche Ball. First, you will not retaliate against my boyfriend and the other members of the team. Your bully hazing days are over. Leave the _Animal House_ shenanigans to the frats. Next, if you ever touch another girl in a disrespectful way again, I will know it. I know everything. You will be neutered immediately by me with a rusty spoon. Got it, Douche Ball?"

"I'm...so...so...sorry!" He cried.

Awesome.

"I bet you are, Douche Ball." I gave a smirk. "Kid, walk that butt of yours back to the apartment and get some clothes. The rest of you idiots too. Nobody, wants to see those limp noodles before class."

"Ain't that the truth," Tanya agreed, with a nod. "That was pretty kick ass, Swan."

"Thanks, Demented Cheer Girl." I looked at her. "Oh god...we're friends."

"Appears so. Strange," she agreed.

I sighed in defeat. "Must be a sign of the apocalypse."

"Can I have a kiss," my kid asked sadly.

I pecked him quickly on the lips. Damn him for being so cute.

"I spoil you, kid."

I really did.


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: Hi.**

**Also, sad to say, a new character actually does exist. He is a terrible individual, so basically tenure is for the birds.**

Chapter 9

"Why are they bigger?" Tanya asked staring at my chest. We were sitting at a large, round table waiting for the professor. I was pulling on an extra tee-shirt she had stashed in her backpack. "Are you knocked up, Swan?"

I started cackling. My fellow classmates looked at me in confusion and perhaps fear of the crazy girl. I couldn't help myself. That was funny.

"What? I think it's a legitimate question." Tanya shrugged and gulped down some water. The boys in the class stared at her like dogs in heat. Good luck, guys.

"The crimson tide I am now suffering through would disagree." I wrinkled my nose. These cramps were fierce and making me irritable. Compared to my usual sunny disposition, made me positively deadly.

"Oh. I apologize. I guess that would make them big..."

I held up my hand. The pain was excruciating. I pulled out Midol and a soda. "It's the stupid bra. My mental patient mother bought it for me. There's so much padding in this thing that Douche Ball got a handful of stuffing. I felt nothing."

Tanya giggled, then looked confused. "Why are you wearing it?"

"I have nothing else clean and my kid usually does my laundry. Obviously, hanging out with those brain dead baseball players has made him slack on his domestic duties." I shrugged. "I do the dishes. We both have our niches. I make clothing pink and he breaks coffee mugs. We have our chores and work as a team. I must point out that there is no dirty dishes, but a giant pile of laundry has not been touched. Now I'm forced to wear a leopard print bolder holder."

Tanya spit out her water.

"No!" She looked at me with wide eyes and then grinned. "Wanna go to the bathroom and let me check it out? I can give you my honest opinion."

"Not on your life, you cheer perv," I stated, as I looked at my watch. "Where is this guy? I'm paying tuition to learn, not sit around looking at other people be as bored as I am."

The class was a writing seminar called Generation X. It wasn't my first, second or third choice, but ultimately I hoped for an easy A. What would be so mentally taxing about discussing slackers, _Reality Bites_, flannel shirts and grunge bands. I wonder if I would have to give a presentation in costume. Plaid tops, ripped jeans and all my hair in front of my face. Easiest costume ever.

A boy whispered to a girl sitting next to him. "He's married to a student. Actually, I think this is the second student he's been married to."

Red flag.

"Bella, I..." Tanya began.

I put my hand over her mouth. "Shush. I'm getting information."

The boy continued, "My roommate says that he gives good grades for short skirts and dresses. You're screwed if you have a dick."

The professor sounds like a charmer.

"That's awful!" The girl next to him announced. She had pretty blonde curls and an easy smile. This girl was genuine. This was a good thing. She looked at me. "Why do they let him do something like that? I'm Chelsea, by the way."

"I'm Bella and this stripper is Tanya."

Tanya grinned. "The girl loves me. Don't listen to her snark. It's a front."

I gave her the finger. Tanya just laughed at me.

"Holla ladies, I'm Diego." The boy smiled and pushed up his hipster glasses. "I was just giving Chelsea a heads up. I saw Professor Marcus flexing naked in the locker room at the school gym. It was disturbing."

"Why the hell is he still working here?" I asked. This was an Ivy League institution, not a bad TV movie.

"He has tenure," Diego explained, as a seventies porn star entered the room.

A Ron Jeremy type porn star. He had the dead caterpillar mustache. His hair was long and gelled back. Around his neck were the gold chains Diego warned us about. Black chest hair poked out of his black button down. He wore cowboy boots and his eyes zeroed in on Tanya's ample bosom.

Shit.

"I feel dirty," Tanya whispered.

I could see why.

He passed around a syllabus that was already making me yawn. It was an old man's Generation X.

No mention of Nirvana and Pearl Jam. However, the section about music had discussions about Don Henley of The Eagles and James Taylor.

Will I ever escape that name?

He never even mentioned the rise of hip hop.

What?

This was idiotic. It was going to be my new sleepy time class.

That was until the leech whispered in Tanya's ear, "Feel free to visit me at anytime for help. You can bring your little friend. I think threesomes work best."

Oh no, he didn't.

He looked at me with a leer and stroked Tanya's hand making her recoil.

My number two pencil was pushed down into my notepad, so violently the tip broke.

I looked the creeper in the eye and snapped my pencil in two.

He just chuckled and turned back to the rest of the class.

Tanya whispered in my ear, "His breath smelled like stinky cheese and pervert."

I made my mind up instantly. Professor Marcus was going down, because I sure wasn't going to pay off student loans for decades for this bullshit.

No way.


	10. Chapter 10

**AN: Hi.**

Chapter 10 (EPOV)

My beloved Bella was stomping around the apartment muttering about Ron Jeremy, a lack of clean laundry and how stupid I was to let myself be hazed.

She was correct on so many things, though I was confused why she was complaining about a porn star that looked like a hairy troll.

"I wasn't going to do it, Bella! I really had every intention of saying no, but the rest of the boys were doing it and we're a team. You wouldn't understand..."

She pulled off her shirt. I loved her breasts, but they had gotten huge! Leopard print? That was unusual for my girl.

"I get it...I'm some lone wolf who just snarks at the crowd and never thinks of anyone else! That's such bullshit! I'm always saving everybody and I really hate doing it! I thought we were a team, Cullen!"

That was the sweetest thing, she's ever said. Wait! Bella has never been that animated in her life. Bigger breasts, heightened emotions and an uncharacteristic need to clean the house. Oh god...my girl is nesting!

"Am I going to be a daddy?" I asked with joy filling my heart. "We need to get married! Can I name the child, Aragon?"

She threw a flip flop at my head.

"Are you _insane_?"

"But... But... Your breasts and you aren't calm is a sign! That and the cleaning..." I tried to approach her slowly like I would an unruly dragon.

"Take a good look at this torture device I'm wearing, because your 'team' is so important you can't do laundry. I, however, think our team is important and I know you like a clean apartment!" This time a flip flop hit me in the shoulder. "There is no way I'm pregnant, kid! The boobs are from the padding in this hooker bra my cougar mother sent me. You want to call and thank her? She would _love_ to visit you."

That was a terrifying thought!

"You are just so cranky today..."

"This is a new development?" She scoffed. "Listen up, kid. Today, I had the kid I love being ogled by coeds. Why? It was because you were a naked dumb ass. I had to put a sexual harassing baseball captain in his place and I have a leech of a professor that I have protect my fellow females in that class from. I have stress, man!"

"I love it when you say you love me!"

"That's all you got from that? I'm so cranky I am bordering on violent meltdown! Edward, the only thing that is coming out of my vagina is a tampon right now. Dude, I'm having my period and these cramps are ripping my uterus to shreds!" She groaned. That was some unpleasant imagery! My girl is creative.

That's when I realized what she said about her professor. "Is that man trying to take advantage of you?"

I was enraged! I shall fight to the death for her honor!

Bella sighed and kissed my cheek. "Simmer down, soldier. No one ever takes advantage of this girl. I will take Professor Marcus down swiftly and with no mercy."

Not if I got to him first!

"I need a shower," she said wearily, clutching her stomach.

My poor girl.

I rubbed her head and asked gently, "Can I help wash you? I'll be respectful. I just want to take care of you."

"That's creepy, but go right ahead." She leaned into me and I kissed her shoulder.

I heard our loud mouth bird squawk, "Fuck Edward Cullen."

"Not today, Annie," Bella stated.

Not today, because I was going to show her my love by trying to ease her discomfort.

Isn't that what being love should really be about?

The phone rang.

I said, "Let the machine pick it up."

Alice's weeping voice filled the room. "He has another girlfriend! Her name is Maria!"

"God damn Cheech!" Bella exclaimed. "My work is never done!"

It never was. My girl was an unlikely angel.

She picked up the phone. "Chill out, Dictator! You are tougher than..."

I just smiled and went to fix her some snacks. She was going to be on the phone for awhile.


	11. Chapter 11

**AN: It's been very stressful lately. Finally, I got this finished. **

**Enjoy.**

Chapter 11

Those Cullen parental units, didn't know what to do with the wailing dictator and sent her to Connecticut. I was not impressed by this decision.

Mostly, because she was clinging to me and still weeping. I patted her back, with my pointer finger. "There, there."

My shirt was soaked and my kid was staring at my chest like he was watching a wet tee-shirt contest.

Tanya had a plan to help. Which was terrible.

That's why we were headed into the Theta Chi fraternity's first official party of the year. I was not interested in attending, but was outvoted. Of course.

It was a plethora of drunk boys and girls dancing to some random rap music that was calling women bitches and hoes. I was not impressed.

A drunk guy stumbled into us and laughed. "Hey...ladies!"

"Read the shirt." I pointed to my tear soaked shirt.

"Umm... Go away?" He looked confused for a moment, which fit perfectly with the sideways sun visor he was wearing. He smiled. "That's funny, girl!"

"It isn't a request. It's what's happening right now." I waved him away. "Off you go."

"Why is the pretty girl crying?" This guy would not take a hint.

I groaned. "She has frat boy stench up her nose. It reeks of stale beer and compensating for small penis size. Makes the poor child's eyes watery."

"Bella, stop embarrassing me!" Teeny Tiny Dictator complained. Obviously, heartbreak made her feeble minded.

"Bella! I lost you two in the crowd! Some girls tried to pull me on the dance floor!" My kid looked distressed.

I tightened my fists. "That's why I brought my party shoes."

Dictator looked down and sniffed. "Those are combat boots."

"Exactly. They also are equipped with steel toes." I gave smirk. "I call them horny coed deterrents."

My kid hugged me. I knew he would like it.

"Edward! I should have known this was your girl!" The annoying boy said with a smile. "Who is the pretty thing with you guys?"

"Pete, this is my sister. Alice, this is my teammate, Peter." My kid grinned. I probably didn't recognize this Pete dude with clothes on. "Maybe you can cheer Ali up, Pete."

"That's sounds great!" He pulled Alice to the dance floor.

"Want a beer?" Kid asked.

I looked at my kid with a glare as he started pulling me to a bar. "I want to kick your ass. You just sent that girl off with the big bad wolf. This wasn't part of my plan."

We reached the bar and I gave a nod to the waving duo of Chelsea and Diego. They were drunk. The were using each other to stay upright. Funny.

"Who are they?" My kid asked.

"My followers." I shrugged. "I need your sister to date the innocently nerdy Alec. Cheech will discover the fact and beg for her forgiveness. By the time I'm done with her, Alice will be spitting in Cheech's face and making him her slave."

"Good plan!" My kid admitted. He was always so supportive.

There was a jock behind the bar pouring beer. I hit the bar. "Two brews, barkeep. Sans roofies, thank you very much."

"We don't do that here, Miss." He smiled. "Hey, Cullen. You rushing."

"No." I answered for kid. "I do have some nice powder my police chief daddy gave me to ferret out nefarious substances, big guy."

He just shrugged. "Be my guest. You're safe."

I grabbed my beer and watched Tanya pulling Heidi behind her. Those two were joined at the hip. Two random guys approached them and Tanya pulled Heidi into a lip lock that made every boy in the room, except for my boy, watch them intently. Men were ridiculous.

That's when I saw Dictator. Dictator was playing tonsil hockey with Pete. Well I be damned and I had a new fantastic plan.

I took a picture with Alice's phone of her playing kissy face with Edward's baseball buddy.

"I need to stop..." My kid said in a panic, looking at his little sister.

"Not yet, hero." I flipped through Alice's contacts and sent the picture.

I gave an evil cackle.

"What are you..."

Poor kid. I confused him, yet again.

I called the contact, I sent the picture to. This was going to be great.

"Hey Kate. You'll never believe this, but Alice is making out with some guy named Pete..." I shouted into the phone. The music was pound up in this joint.

"Man, it's Jasper." He wasn't happy.

"Oh... Oops. Oh well. Sorry, Cheech. So drunk, I thought this was my phone," I fibbed. "I should go, before Alice goes back to Pete's dorm room."

"Where did you take my darlin', Bella Swan!" He yelled. Obviously, his wacky weed wasn't making him chill about this.

"Frat party. Ciao, Cheech."

I hung up and cackled again.

My kid kissed me. "That's perfect!"

"Of course, did you forget you are dating a genius." I gulped down my beer in one swig.

Inspiration, Isabella Swan style.


	12. Chapter 12

**AN: So sleepy...**

Chapter 12

"Go to hell, Jasper Whitlock!" Dictator screamed in the phone. She was so mad she was twitching.

My kid was sitting on the couch and looking at his sister with a worried expression.

"Popcorn?" I thought snacks were appropriate. This was the best show that I had seen in ages. It was practically Les Miserable starring a stoner and a bossy student council president. I plopped down in my kid's lap and held out a bag of popcorn to Pete, the oblivious. We tried to lose him in the crowd at the frat house, but he was holding tight to my tiny dictator friend. "Hungry?"

"Awesome!" He grabbed the bag. "Do you think she's going to want to make out some more?"

"No!" My kid yelled.

"You have a shot," I admitted truthfully.

"Bella, don't give him hope!" My kid admonished me. "No offense, but stay away from my sister. She's fragile."

That fragile girl was in a fearsome rage.

"You have a fucking girlfriend, remember?" She started to pace. Her face in a twisted expression of rage. I wanted a camera for this. It was a hoot. "Why don't you get all loopy on the weed with her and be limp as a high noodle."

That was a good one. I should video this for Kate.

"We need to stop this!" My kid pleaded.

"Cheech needs to see how his idiot moves have consequences," I stated. "If he wants her, he'll have to work for it."

"Pete is a better kisser!" She yelled. "You're a slobbery asshole!"

She looked miserable.

Pete gave her a thumbs up. "Thanks, girl!"

What a dumb ass.

"Actually, let me give you a demonstration." Dictator started making kissing noises in the phone.

"You know I'm sitting right here," Pete pointed out.

I threw a magazine at his head. "Go home."

He was eating too much of my popcorn.

"To add to the fact that I don't want you touching my sister, Ali really isn't in a good place to start a new relationship right now." My kid said.

I pointed out the truth. "She doesn't want to hook up with you tonight, dude."

"Are you sure?" He looked sad. Poor, sexually frustrated college boy.

Dictator yelled into the phone. "I'm not kissing my hand! Oh Pete! More Pete! Give me more!"

"Rub my back, kid," I commanded. I needed to relax from the Dictator hysterics. "Pete, she's pretending you'rekissing her and not actually doing the deed. I think you are out of luck."

Dictator stomped up and down. "You cannot tell me what to do, Jasper Whitlock! You have a stupid girlfriend so I can have numerous lovers!"

My kid threw his hands over his ears. "No! My brain is exploding at the thought!"

"Are you sure, she won't be interest..." Pete couldn't take a damn hint.

I waved at him. "Bye-bye, Peter."

Peter sighed and left slowly.

The bastard took my popcorn with him. I was enraged.

"You will not, Jasper!" Tears started pouring out of Dictator's eyes. "I loved you!"

Oh fuck. Tears.

She sniffed and came over to me, promptly burrowing her head in my lap. Poor Edward was crushed and I became cheese in the Cullen sibling sandwich.

"Give me the phone, Alice," I stated.

She whimpered and handed me the phone.

"Yo, Cheech. You hear her tears? I have been dealing with that since I left Forks and it's all you fault."

He sniffed. He was crying too? I felt like a questionable television therapist. One who gives horrible advice and makes the guests cry on cue. This sucked.

"I still love her, man!" Jasper was a blubbering mess. "I realized when I saw that picture..."

"That you are a moron? That's a given." I was going to punish him for her. "You want her back? It will take more..."

I didn't get to finish, because my kid grabbed the phone. "You made my little sister cry! I want to ram a baseball bat up your ass and make you beg for mercy! If you have any hope to win my sister's affection, you better be ready to woo her like princes of the days of old. I want to see you shower Alice with unbridled love like I feel for my Bella! Alice still might not want you back and you'll have to deal with it. Just remember this... I might appear to be your friend in the future if she forgives you, but I'll always be watching and waiting for you to mess the fuck up. That's when I will strike!"

He turned off the phone. That was a mouthful, but also extremely hot.

I looked down and saw Dictator sleeping. Edward and I tried with much difficulty to gently get out from under the girl. She snored and muttered, "Jasper."

I grabbed Edward's hand. "You need a present."

"For what?" He smiled at me, as I pulled him into the bedroom.

"For being a wonderful brother," I stated. I pushed him down onto the bed and undressed him.

We started kissing and it was nice. I could be nice.

Annie Oakley let out a loud squawk. She hated to be ignored.

"Bella?" Dictator's sad voice called out.

"Duty calls." I jumped up and fixed my shirt.

We had less sex living together than when we were living in different houses with my firearm carrying father hanging around with his watchful eye. Funny.

Kid groaned and buried his head in a pillow. "No!"

"She needs us, kid."

"Thank you," he said giving me his big smile. "I love you."

"Yup." I gave him a thumbs up. "Ditto."

"Bella!" Dictator was a demanding pain in the ass.

Me? I was a saint.


	13. Chapter 13

**AN: Getting sappy in my old age.**

Chapter 13

The studio used for Sculpture 101 was huge. I pulled my kid through the room and pointed out the various areas that we used in class. The floors were filthy and there was a fine dust mixture of clay and sawdust over all the surfaces. It was a huge mess of unfinished projects and I finally felt like I found a home.

It was late at night and I knew the art building was going to be quiet. The professors had given us all codes to unlock the building, because in their opinion, inspiration can hit at any hour. This place was fantastic and I wanted to share it with my kid. He was important and so was being able to create things in this setting.

It had been an odd night. First of all, we were actually alone for once. Kid took me out to the Union League for dinner. The Union League was fancy. You wore dresses and skirts to a joint like that. I was wearing some dress that magically appeared in my closet. Damn Dictator.

I was waiting for one of his pesky proposals, but none came.

It was, however, romantic and made me be in a sharing mood.

"This is where we use power tools!" I grabbed a drill and a piece of wood. "Watch!"

Kid leaned against a work table and crossed his arms. A smile brightened his whole face. "You're happy in here. It's your happy place."

"What?" I looked up from the wood I was staring at in my hands. It had so many possibilities.

"I have almost never heard your excited voice, Bella. You use it with me sometimes." He strolled over and pinched my side.

I turned on the drill and waved at him. "Watch yourself. This is an area where dangerous equipment is used. You need some safety glasses."

"You would look sexy in some safety glasses, woman!" Edward kissed my neck.

This new version of Edward was full of swagger and confidence. It was disturbing, because I found it to be slightly seductive.

"Be serious, man. I could drill you in the brain and I'm not a pre-med major. It wouldn't be pretty." I placed the drill down on the table, before somebody got hurt.

He grinned at me and backed away slowly with his hands in the air. "Don't hurt me, Miss Swan."

What had gotten into him?

I watched him head over to the pottery wheels. He plopped down on the stool and started spinning the wheel. That smile was still attached to his lips. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I was becoming such a damn chick.

"You know what I think about when I see these things?" His words made me stop gawking at him.

"Making a pot? Would you like a set of bowls to send to your mother?"

He patted his lap. "Come here."

"This is feeling like a Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore moment." My nose immediately crinkled up at the cheesiness. "I find myself to be more of a Whoopi type."

"I would never take you to be a girl who would watch _Ghost_. Was it Alice? She made me watch it." His long fingers spun the wheel and I thought what else he could be doing with those fingers.

A time and a place, Swan. A time and a place.

"You know me, kid. Stick me in front of a TV with a bag of chips and I'll watch anything." I looked at him warily, as he kept spinning.

"I know this." He patted his lap. "Show me how to work this wheel, my snarky princess."

What? My kid had some nerve.

I folded my arms. "That's Sculpture 102. We haven't covered dirty pottery wheel sex, yet."

"Here." He pointed to me and then himself.

I went over. Damn, hot demanding kid.

"Sit." He positioned me on his lap, so I faced him. Both of his hands cradled my face. "You want to be an artist."

Truth.

"Yes." I took his face. "You want to be?"

"Yours."

"Be serious. What is your dream other than me?" I rubbed my nose against his. He made me into a mush.

"A writer of fantasy," he admitted. "Would you marry a guy who wrote novels about dragons?"

"Yes, I would. I'm guessing you would marry a girl who would make pieces of artwork that will hopefully be banned in several southern states?"

His eyes never left mine, as he pulled my dress off my body. "I wouldn't have it any other way."

I wasn't wearing a bra and he kissed the girls. He raised me up and removed my underwear. I was naked under the harsh lights of the classroom.

"We could get caught," I pointed out. I unbuttoned his dress pants. My hands grabbed his dick and I lowered myself on top of him.

"I don't care," he admitted, as I moved on him slowly. His fingers rubbed me and I was not thinking straight. "Let's do it."

"Oh god!" I was coming undone. "Do… Oh… What? We are… Oh… Doing it."

He kissed me hard and pulled away to say heatedly, "Marry me. Officially. Wear my fucking ring."

"Yes!" It wasn't the orgasm. It was admitting the inevitable. "I'll marry you, Edward!"

Plus I just couldn't resist a demanding Kid. "I love you, Bella."

He emptied into me and I held him tightly. "I love you, too."

My kid brushed the sweaty hair from my head. "You mean it? Really?"

"Yes, you sneak. We don't have to wait for years either." I gave a big sigh. "My dad will like the idea of me not living in sin. No big weddings, though."

"Small and quiet," he said with a grin. "I have a ring."

I hadn't noticed that a small box that fell onto the floor. My kid grabbed it and opened up to reveal a silver ring that had a single pearl on it.

"Edward!" I gasped.

He placed it on my finger and kissed it. Looking up, he admitted, "I found your collection of Anne of Green Gables under your bed. You aren't a diamond type girl."

"Oh, Edward." It was perfect and so was he.

I kissed him with all I possessed.

"Well damn!"

Kid and I turned our heads to find a handsome boy in a Sonic Youth tee-shirt. "Hey, kids. Are we working on some performance art? Maybe, you two are discovering a new artistic movement, I don't know about?"

Oh god.

"Can you please stop looking at my fiancée?" Edward growled.

The stranger put his hands near, but not on, his eyes and laughed.

I pressed my body tightly to Edward's, trying to cover myself.

"Don't be shy, Miss Swan. We all do nude drawings in here." The man gave me a wink. How did he know my name? "I'm Riley Biers, Professor Wilson's teaching assistant. Don't worry; I won't say anything to her. She is into free love though, so she might be pretty proud of her star student."

"Leave!" Edward said, his face was red and he was holding me tightly.

"You have a good night, kids." Riley Biers winked at me again. "I'm feeling pretty inspired right now. Thank you, Miss Swan!"

I hid my face in Edward's neck. "I can't believe this."

"He's never coming near you!"

"My hero," I said and gave Edward a kiss, before I quickly got dressed.

He watched me with his wonderful smile. "Always."


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

I like the student center. This is a surprise for many reasons.

I hate being around large groups of people. This place is full of them wearing sorority and fraternity letters. They talked loudly about bad comedies on their cell phones. They push you out of the way as they realize that they are late to class. I should be hiding at the apartment with a tub of ice cream and mocking the horrible people on Bravo reality programs, but instead here I stay.

The secret is that I found a corner. It's a quiet corner where the view is partially obstructed by a fern from the annoying horde. I can eat my grilled cheese and French fries in peace. That way I don't have to go all away home and then rush to my next class. I can also reflect quietly on the changes happening around me.

Starting with the ring.

I twirled it around my finger. It was pretty, because it was simple. Kid knew me better than anyone. Marriage was something I never wanted. I would be happy to just live with him until we were elderly and one of us was wheeled out in a body bag. My kid wanted the wedding and I love my kid, so why the hell not? No skin off my back, though they better get good food. If I have to get hitched, kid better be ready to strap on my feed bag and let me gorge on wedding cake.

"Is this seat taken, Miss Swan?"

I looked up to see Riley Biers looking down at me, holding a tray. He was wearing Pixie tee-shirt and thick glasses. He was the picture of the pretentious, full of himself art student. What a tool.

"Yes," I stated. I stuck my feet on the chair.

Biers placed his tray on the table and removed my feet from the chair before sitting down. I had a sneaky suspicion that his hands lingered on my ankle. This was not acceptable.

"Go away."

"Miss Swan, you looked lonely and I just wanted to keep you company." He took a bite of salad and looked at me with a smug expression.

"What are you? A damn rabbit? Your health food is offending my greasy goodness here." I glared. "Off you go."

"I was thinking…" This guy was almost as bad as my kid with not taking a hint. The only difference was my kid is adorable and Biers is a creep.

"That your band tee-shirts are a ruse? You have Bieber fever written all over your face," I said with a snort.

It didn't work. He didn't get offended, just smiled. "Do you model?"

"Do you smoke crack? That makes sense, but the idea of me modeling does not."

"I'm teaching a life drawing class for a professor, so I can get my Master's Degree. Since I'm not getting paid and doing all the work, I think it would be great to have models that aren't repulsive." He waved his fork at me. "I've already seen you naked and wouldn't mind that view again."

I felt hot. "No."

"Really? That blush, pretty girl is telling me yes. Does it go everywhere? I would love a heads up, because I think I would die of happiness if I could see that beautiful shade over every inch of your skin." He patted my hand and winked.

What the hell? I still felt like an inferno.

"Do you bother every coed like this, perv?" Get it together, Swan.

"Actually, no. There is something about you, Miss Swan. You're lovely and smart. The professors in the art department are already singing your praises. That is the biggest turn on for a guy like me. Not to mention your smart ass comments feel like foreplay." He leaned back in his chair and looked at me. "Miss Swan, can I be honest?"

"No."

"I will anyway. I liked watching you come undone. I wished I was the one doing it."

Oh god. What a prick!

I'll be honest. If this guy had green eyes not blue, red hair not blond, a delightful giggle when recapping _Game of Thrones_ using handmade finger puppets or if his name was Edward and not Mr. Asshole Getting his Master's in Bullshit, then I might be falling for his pickup lines. He wasn't my kid, so I wasn't impressed.

"I'm getting married to the dude I was fornicating with on the pottery wheel stool." I slapped the table with my hand hard. "Let's get a few things straight, buddy. My Edward has moves you could only dream of possessing. He makes me scream in desire in several different languages that I didn't know I could speak. You could never, ever do that!"

"You really will look beautiful spread out on a canvas of wet paint, as I plunge into you," Biers stated with a wink.

I must say that the canvas idea was ingenious and I would be doing it with my kid. That could be explored at a later time, but for now…

"No! Never happening with you! Get it through your thick skull!" I actually yelled. "I'm getting married!"

"You aren't even wearing a diamond," he pointed out.

"My kid knows I hate diamond and love Anne of Green Gables and her pearl engagement ring!"

"You're cute when you're angry." He grinned.

Jesus, give me the strength not to attack him with a plastic spork.

"Bella? Honey, are you okay?" It was my kid. Thank goodness. He was glaring at Biers. Good.

I stood quickly and hugged my kid. I whispered, "Take me home. I feel very uncomfortable around that guy. You need to stop me from murdering him."

"Leave her alone," my kid growled. Go tiger. "Let's watch old movies…"

"Edward, aren't we getting a table?" A beautiful, yes I said it, raven haired woman wearing a sorority tee-shirt asked. She gazed at him like a bitch in heat.

"Oh right! Bella, this is Jane! We're working on a project together for biology," My kid hugged me tight. "Jane, this is my fiancée."

"Aren't you too young for that, Edward?" She smiled at him like he pooped rainbows and kittens. My idiot fiancé just smiled. She flashed a fake grin at me. "No offence."

I pinched him hard.

"Ouch!" My kid screeched. "I'll work on the project until after lunch then I'll meet you at home."

That Jane chick was ecstatic. I was pissed, but put on my stone cold mask.

"Have a good lunch with plain Jane here, Edward." I looked at Biers who was standing to follow. "I will shank you with a rusty piece of metal, Biers."

"See you in class, pretty lady." I gave Biers the finger and stormed off.

My kid looked at me with his mouth hanging open. I hadn't kissed him good-bye.

I stormed out of the building and towards the direction of the apartment. I hated this place. Forks was better than stupid New Haven. I was in control of everything there.

"Bella! Wait!" My kid spun me around.

"What?"

"You didn't kiss me good-bye and that isn't acceptable." His mouth pushed against me hard. I trembled. "I'm yours. Don't forget that."

"Those two are going to break us up." I was petrified.

"Never."

I clutched him. "I want to go home. To Forks."

"I know," he stated, kissing my temple. "It's going to be fine."

He picked me up.

"What?"

"I am taking you home and showing you how much I love every inch of you." He licked his lips and I gave a little smile.

"Your project?"

"Screw it! You are more important and I can get more done without that girl's help. She just plays on her cell phone during class." He nibbled my neck, as he carried me towards home.

"I picked a date," I stated. "A date for the wedding."

I picked it right this very minute.

"What?" He stopped and looked at me.

"Thanksgiving. Apple cider, pumpkins and mums will be easy to get for decorations. I'll wear a Renaissance dress picked by your mom. You can wear I crown! I don't care, because you'll be there and I can say legally to any person that tries to drive us apart that I will rip their shit up if they touch you."

"I love you so much!" Kid was beaming. "I'm about to make you feel so good, my princess."

I didn't complain about the nickname. He was happy and so I was I.


	15. Chapter 15

**AN: I just wanted to give you a heads up in case you haven't noticed. This isn't edited, so it is the picture of imperfection. A lot like me.**

**I do have a beta who I work to the bone, but this story and The Attraction Equation are her break stories. Will they be edited? Probably. I can load up fixed chapters at any time. You seem to enjoy almost daily updates, so let's keep it going this way. Thanks!**

**Also, it appears you can revive dead sea monkeys. I'll let you know if it works.**

Chapter 15

"We're getting married, Dad." Chief Charlie was laughing so hard he was wheezing. "Stop laughing. You need to book the lodge."

"I'm dying here."

"Please stop." I was pacing back and forth. I just couldn't sit still lately.

"Did that boy blackmail you? Are there pictures of you in curlers and a mud mask?" My father snorted.

"No!"

My kid looked up from his laptop with a worried look on his face.

"Can you just reserve the damn lodge? I really don't want Esme Cullen involved. She and Dictator will go nuts with this mess." I clutched a table. We had only been engaged a week and I was losing my mind.

I had to deal with the leering professor, Biers the Oblivious and Jane the Ho Slut this week. My mood was poisonous.

"What is this really about, Isabella?" My dad asked without an hint of humor. "You love Esme. What happened?"

"I just need to get married." I quickly added, "I'm not knocked up."

My kid looked up and chuckled.

"I didn't think so. Truth time, kiddo."

There was laughter in the background. I think he was watching an old television sitcom. Chief Charlie was a huge fan on _Who's the Boss_.

He was a crazy, old coot. There was nothing wrong, except for his forbidden love for Tony Danza.

"I'm golden, Pop."

"They're dead," he stated. What? "Except one. I think he ate the others."

I plopped down on the couch, next to kid. My leg twitching. "What's dead? Those ants that keep getting in the sugar? I warned you about using the sugar container to hold your nuts and bolts. It belongs in the kitchen."

"The sea monkeys."

No.

"Aren't they hiding? They hide sometimes." My nails dug into Edward's leg.

"Honey, they're decomposing at the bottom. Except the one. He turned red."

I was a murderer. Tears streamed down my eyes. It felt funny and I hated that salty taste. It reminded me of almost drowning in the ocean when I was little.

My kid closed his laptop. "Bella, honey..."

"I killed them, Dad! I shouldn't be at this school! This place is ridiculous! I might have as well poured arsenic in their tank!" I sniffed. "I want to go home!"

"Bella, you're homesick. The sea monkeys and all this marriage talk is, because you aren't in control. Don't worry about your dead monkey babies, because..."

"I'm going to lose him, Dad."

My kid grabbed me tight and murmured repeatedly in my hair, "No. No. No."

"You aren't, my snarky child. You two are going to get married and raise parrots together, I imagine." I heard him sigh. "Don't rush it. Enjoy being engaged and plan something you both would enjoy. I'm sure Edward will be wearing tights."

That made me smile a little. "I can see that."

"You don't want Edward to pay your tuition, right?"

"Right."

"Marry him and your scholarship goes bye-bye." My dad was right.

I muttered, "Shit."

This was probably the first thing my father said tonight that made any sense. I wasn't stupid. I knew when we did the whole ring swap that what was his was mine and my collection of reindeer sock my mother gave me was his. I was okay for this, except for paying for my education. I was proud of my scholarships and wanted to use them.

I ignored my kid mouthing, "What?"

"Shit indeed, my foul mouthed offspring." I heard him chuckle. "I have a proposition. Put the phone on speaker, so Edward can hear your old man's brilliance."

My kid looked at me with a confused expression, as my father's voice filled the room. "Edward, do want Bella to lose her scholarship? I don't think that's the best idea, son. She's an bitter girl at the best of times and if she thinks you are paying her way through school? Good luck to you, boy!"

My kid looked sad. Damn, he was going to cry. "I want to marry her, sir."

"I know you do, son. You will I'm sure. You are one persistent bugger." Chief Charlie paused. "How about you two do some sort of knights and queen ceremony thingy. Like at those freak fairs you parents go to."

"Hey!" My kid was offended. I was cringing at the images filling my head of the reception. It was a montage of the Red Wedding scene in _Game of Thrones_. Gross.

"No offense, Edward. What I'm trying to say is, this should be about letting each other know how you feel. Get it on paper later. You both need to feel secure about each other and this new place you're in."

"How did you get so wise, father of mine?"

"Beer," he stated.

Oh boy.

"How many, Pop?"

"More than two and less than a twelve pack." I heard chuckling in the background. It wasn't Tony Danza.

"Is that Billy and Harry?" This was a bad thing. "They've been listening in the whole time?"

My kid was just shaking his head.

"Only a little. The game in on. Priorities, Bella! It's the Mariners," Dad said. There was more laughter.

"Ask if she's a Yankee or a Red Socks fan, Charlie!" Harry called out. "Those Connecticut folks have no clue who to root for!"

Billy shouted, "Tell her that Jake will DJ both of her weddings!"

No Jake!

Wait one stinking minute! I just agreed to two weddings?

"No!" I blurted out. "This can't be happening."

"What's wrong?" My kid took my hand. "Jake won't DJ! I promise! Uncle Aro will play his lute!"

My father, that dastardly dad, chuckled. "It's the sea monkeys, Edward. She's sad about her water logged babies. Don't worry, Bells! I read the book and they'll come back to life if you add more water!"

Note to self, never listen to a drunk Chief Charlie. He will talk you into multiple wedding hell rides and has delusions of sea monkey resurrections. What did I get myself into?

My kid was rubbing my head. Yep, that's it. Edward.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

Like a Phoenix rising from it's ashes, I was reborn. Isabella Marie Swan was was going to kick ass first and ask questions later.

Did you know that if you let the water evaporate from a sea monkey tank and refill it with purified water that they will spring back to life? I didn't either and it's most likely bullshit. They are probably left over eggs in the bottom, but let's pretend for the sake of argument that it's true. I was a sea monkey coming from back from the brink and getting my inner tough bitch back.

My legs up on the table in the pervert professor's class and drinking coffee made me ponder sea monkeys in relation to my list of people to destroy. It was an interesting combination. Sea monkeys are supposed to be docile creatures and I was not. How was I identifying with them and how exactly could I make this into a thesis for my Master's degree? I was freshman, but it was always good to plan...

"Are you thinking about the wedding? You have a weird look on your face." Tanya was drawing weapons on a page of her notebook. She hated this class as much as I did.

"I'm thinking of ruining people's lives. I have an inner super hero in me ready to crush all evil doers." I glanced at the door. "Starting with Professor Can't Keep His Dick In His Pants."

"That is the longest nickname you've ever come up with, Bella! You need to think of a shorter one. Give me something to work with here," Tanya complained. "I must say, I do like that you are finally get your balls back. You were getting to be a whiny bitch, Swan. So the wedding..."

I scoffed, "Do you want to be a bridesmaid? I have positions open for both ceremonies. Edward's renaissance faire extravaganza and my Vegas one. Elvis will be officiating and there will be lots of hard alcohol."

"Both."

"You're hired." I shook her hand.

Chelsea plopped down next to me. "You still getting married?"

"Yup."

"Weird," Chelsea started pulling out her notebooks. "Can I come to the Vegas one? I like blackjack."

"The more the merrier, Chelsea." I tapped the lid on the top of my cup to The Roots song that was stuck in my head. Then I noticed her shadow wasn't with her. "Where's Diego? Visiting Dora with his adventure pack?"

Tanya shot me a confused look. "I have a little sister, so I know Dora. But you? Trying to learn Spanish the toddler way?"

"I never found a tv show I wouldn't watch, my ex-cheerleader demon," I reminded her.

Chelsea just giggled at us and then sobered up, "Diego is probably still in bed with that sorority chick that was all over him at the library. She's part of mean Jane's clique."

This is not acceptable. Chelsea is one of us now. The grpup of people who made themselves my friends without my approval.

Jane was already on my destroy list, so now I have to burn down that whole sorority house. Not literally. Chief Charlie would be pissed if I went to prison.

"Tanya, like I said before about my list, we are adding a whole sorority to it. Do you like Diego and his leopard, Chelsea?" I broke my pencil, as Chelsea nodded. "Then we will put the competition in their place. This is what happens when I get all messed up in emotions. Everything around me goes to shit and people forget to fear me."

"Here's your chance to instill the fear, Bella." Chelsea pointed to the door at Professor Douche who was strutting in. "He's going to be sufferable with Diego not being here."

Professor Douche looked at me with a leer. "Miss Swan, if you are going have your legs up on the table, wear a skirt. I give A's for plaid."

Tanya handed me her pencil. "Please take mine."

I broke it with gusto.

"Miss Denali, I was hoping to discuss your paper with you tomorrow during office hours," he announced nonchalantly, as he reached down to pull some papers out of his briefcase. He looked up at her. "Wear something comfortable. We'll be awhile."

She looked nervous and I was pissed.

I raised my hand. "Professor? May I join Tanya at office hours?"

He watched me as I slowly stroked her arm and licked my lips. He looked overjoyed.

"Call me Marcus, Miss Swan."

"Thanks, Marcus." I tried to smile, but it probably looked like I ate bad calamari.

"Why couldn't you do that to me in high school. Bella? It would have been fun!" Tanya complained. She still had it for me a little.

"Shh!" I said to her as Professor Douche turned towards the black board. I quickly whispered to the girls, "Are you ready to go Charlie's Angels on his ass?"

"Can I wear a Farrah Fawcett hair style?" Tanya asked. She was into costumes.

Chelsea looked confused. "You mean Cameron Diaz?"

Kids these days.

"I don't give a rat's ass if you dress up like a chicken, Tanya!" I watched as the lecherous professor started harassing a poor girl named Ann. She looked frightened. "That man is going down tomorrow."


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

My kid was fretting. This is what he does best during epic campaigns to take down oppressors. I must point out, the fact that I'm talking about epic campaigns means that my kid is definitely rubbing off on me in disturbing ways.

"He's a sexual deviant, guys!" His hands went to his red hair and the pulling began. Never a good sign. He was going to become bald like Mr. Clean. "We need to document his words on paper and take them to the administration or the police! No! To both!"

No wonder he can only slay mythological beasts in his imagination. Real life drama was giving him hives. Literally. Angry red welts were forming on his neck, which he started scratching with gusto. At least he was leaving his hair alone.

"I still think you should wear it, Bella." Tanya held out a black bandage that was supposed to be a dress.

"If I wore that we would be way too obvious," I pointed out. I looked at Tanya's red skin tight dress that left nothing to the imagination. "What you're wearing is vintage Tanya. That makes sense."

Heidi came over and wrapped her hands around Tanya. "You look beautiful!"

Cute.

I looked at Chelsea in her school girl plaid skirt and pigtails. "Really?"

"Tanya said..."

"We don't listen to Tanya." Don't these yahoos know who's in charge here? Me.

"I think you look pret..." Diego tried to say.

Chelsea covered his mouth with her hand. "Save it, buster!"

She wasn't buying his song and dance about not sleeping with the sorority chick. I thought he was innocent, but maybe it was best to keep him in line for awhile. Fear is a powerful tool.

I sighed. "Play it cool, ladies. I'll take the lead and you two just follow along."

"This is a bad, bad idea." My kid started pacing.

Here's the thing, if my kid was involved with his Forks buddies, he wouldn't be a having a problem. They would dress up in cardboard boxes that were colored to look like armor, wear paper crowns and ride white brooms to take down ne'er do wells. It would be like a Monty Python skit without the good jokes.

It was the fact that I had a most excellent plan that had his panties in a bunch. My kid worried about me too much. I got this problem and I would conquer with gusto.

"Kid, we have Heidi for surveillance and Diego for muscle." I looked over to my posse. "Start packing the equipment."

My kid grabbed my hand. "What about me? You never told me what I'm supposed to do."

There was a reason for that. A very good reason.

"Come with me for a second." I took his hand and led him to our bedroom, shutting the door behind us.

Annie Oakley squawked, "Fuck Edward Cullen!"

"Hush, Annie!" I scolded, as I started unbuttoning my boy's shirt.

My kid looked flustered. "Bella, what are you doing? Everybody is outside the door."

I kissed him and removed his shirt. Kissing down his body, I started to remove his pants. I kept his boxers on.

"Bella, we... Oh... God... Bella..." He was looking relaxed.

I pushed him down on the bed and grabbed some ugly scarves that Renee had gotten me that I had placed by the bed. They were leopard print. Really? That lady is delusional.

I straddled my kid and started tying him to the bed post.

"My Bella, what are you doing?"

"Tying up loose ends, Edward." I kissed him deeply. I hopped off and added, "I love you."

He should have been suspicious when I called him Edward. Silly boy.

I might be going to hell for this one.

"You tied me up so I can't go!" He yelled.

He looked so good lying there.  
"I'll make it up to you when I get back." I kissed his wiggling big toe.

My kid growled, "What if that monster tries to hurt you?"

"I kick him in the groin and use all those nifty self-defense techniques Chief Charlie taught me." I went up to kiss his angry face. "You will not be going to jail for hitting a professor for me, Cullen! This is me protecting you."

He had to smile a little. "That is so sweet, but... I should be protecting you!"

"We aren't living in 1900's, kid." I grabbed my backpack from the floor. "Just sit there and imagine all the debauched things I'll be doing to you when I get back. Ruining dirty professors' lives makes me horny."

"What if there's a fire?" My kid was getting desperate for an escape.

I smiled. "That Pete guy is going to babysit you. He reminds me of the giant, except that Pete is even stupider."

I missed the giant. At least would get my Emmett the giant fix at Thanksgiving. He's oddly amusing.

"Bella!" He yelled with a pout. He keeps making me want to make out with him.

He looked too sexy lying there. I needed to destroy and ruin quickly to get back to my kid.

Did I just say sexy? That kid is ruining me.

Damn it. I like it.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

Professor Douche opened the door to his office only wearing a pair of shiny pajama pants and some gold chains. His paunch hung over the waist band and gray curly hair covered it. It was like looking at an elderly orangutan with boundary issues.

"I apologize, ladies," he announced with a lick of his lips. "I was just doing some Tai Chi. I like to stay limber and agile."

I threw up in my mouth a little.

He was a revolting individual. I clicked on the recording device on that now very helpful waste of money phone my kid bought me and took in the decor of his office. Hello, bad porno.

The perv had scented candles from the mall lit in every available space. There noxious scents intertwining creating a sickly scent that could make person hate the smells of apple pies, strawberry fields and freshly mowed grass for life.

He had his love seat folded out to become a bed with the obvious black, silk sheets and a video of a roaring fire on his laptop. Barry White was playing in the background.

I wanted to fall on the floor laughing, but we had a goal to accomplish. I, with Tanya's assistance, had to pull Chelsea in. Chicken Little.

Tanya spoke first, "Professor, you wanted to see our papers?"

He closed the door behind us and laid down on the couch bed and rubbed the sheets. "Ladies, what do you think of my class? Do you find it invigorating? Stimulating? That my words create a friction in you that needs to erupt?"

None of the above.

"It's a blast." I looked at him and tried to seem like I was interested, but I wasn't a miracle worker. "Our papers?"

I felt Chelsea cowering behind me. Useless.

Professor Douche noticed nothing because of his fixation on Tanya breasts. "Miss Denali, you are a dream!"

One of his wet ones. This was tedious.

"Our papers?" Tanya asked again. We all wanted to get this over with.

He looked us all up and down. "You girls like getting good grades?"  
There we go. Finally.

"Yes," Chelsea squeaked.

He patted the sheets. "You sit with me. Miss Denali and Miss Swan will be putting on a show."

Chelsea was going to have a heart attack. I wrapped my arm around her waist and stated, "We work in threes."

Three what? Playing Trivial Pursuit? Watching bad movies? Eating popcorn? I had nothing sexual to use for inspiration.

The Devious Ex-Cheerleading Queen knew what to do. She must had previous practice seducing the squad after cheer practice.

She latched one hand on poor Chelsea's upper chest, so it would appear she was grabbing a boob. Her mouth lowered on mine.

Boring, boring, boring. Get it over with, Tanya. It was like french kissing a poodle.

The professor moaned and closed his eyes. Gross.

I mouthed, "What was that?"

"Your personal heaven?"

I discreetly flipped her the bird.

He opened his eyes. "Why don't you get naked, lovelies."

Never.

"You first." Tanya winked at him. She had powers of seduction that Chelsea and I did not possess.

He was overjoyed and got undressed quickly.

It was horrific. There was a floppy slug attached to pasty, blobby skin. The nightmares. Oh god. The nightmares.

"Tie him up, girls," I commanded, pulling ropes out of my backpack. My kid was great practice.

Professor Douche chuckled. "Kinky, Miss Swan! You are heading toward a B for your rope work. Kissing my mighty education tool will surely move you higher on the grade scale."

I'm A quality. He deserved embarrassment to the highest degree.

"You mean your penis, Professor Marcus?" I needed detailed and explicit wording.

He sighed. "Yes, Miss Swan! Put your mouth on my penis."

I felt ill.

Chelsea squeaked in disgust, as she tied him up, "Why are you sticky?"

"Lubrication so you can slide on me," he explained.

Chelsea ran over to his waste basket to throw up.

I threw open the door. "Heidi!"

"Another girl?" Professor Douche was somewhat visibly excited. That thing was floppy. "Can one of you girls pop me a Viagra?"

Ahh...that explains it.

"Smile!" Heidi said, in malicious glee. She started taking pictures.

Diego was originally taking video, but Tanya took over. He rushed over to the vomiting Chelsea and started comforting her. Not bad, Diego, not bad.

"What is going on here?" The dignified Dean Matthews looked into the room in horror. I had left him a message to meet us there.

"No!" Professor Douche yelled. "They trapped me! Expel them!"

I smiled and pointed to the enraged professor. "We have audio recordings, photographs and video of his propositioning students. Would you like to handle this or should I be talking to the local media? They will pass it onto the national media and Anderson Cooper will be showing righteous indignation in a week's time. Professor Marcus and his balls are in your court, sir."

"Young lady, I shall take care of the trash promptly." He shook my hand.

There was running in the hallway and I heard the Pete guy scream, "Hold up, Ed!"

My kid ran in and grabbed me. "Are you okay?"

"Look, kid." I pointed to the arguing Dean and Professor Douche.

"Wow." He stroked my face. "You did this! I'm really impressed!"

"Of course, you're impressed. My plans are fierce." I was an evil genius.

My kid pulled me tighter. "How should we celebrate?"

"You're going back to the scarves, my boy. You didn't think you'd be getting out of it did you?" I asked.

I was going to watch _The Cosby Show_ and eat potato chips off his chest.

Good times.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 18

The Dean was very appreciative of our hard work. Which more accurately should be described as scared of a lawsuit. We all got A's for Professor Douche's class. Huzzah.

Damn it, I'm talking like my kid now.

It was rush and the Greek System was pulling out all the stops to gather torture the newest members of campus. It was like a gladiator style survival of the fittest to see who could get to wear stupid shirts proclaiming fake sister and brotherhood then celebrate by getting alcohol poisoning drinking from a hose at the end of a funnel.

No.

It will be a cold day in hell and the devil will be wearing a fetching floral ski parka first.

"Pete's rushing Sig." My kid was laying on the couch reading some wizardry book with dragons, knights and some munchkins. Actually, I think those were in the _Wizard of Oz_.

"Your buddy, Pete is an idiot." I grabbed a soda and headed to the couch. Pulling kid's book away, I plopped down on his lap. "Let's make out."

Kid kissed me and grabbed his book back. "He reminds me of Emmett."

I was glad I wasn't the only one to see the resemblance.

"Uh huh." I pulled his book away. "Stop with the reading and let's get on with the kissing."

"Let me finish my chapter first."

I just looked at him. Deny me? Who does that? No one.

I glared at him. My eyes were death rays that would melt him into submission.

Nothing.

I wiggled my hips.

Nada.

I poked him in the nose.

He scooped me up and deposited me on the couch next to him. "Behave."

I kind of liked the tough guy act. Not enough to let him get away with it for long. Kid managed to luck out, because the doorbell rang.

He was so very lucky. Kid had just lucked out of having blue balls.

I snickered at thinking about blue balls. It was a town in Pennsylvania near the township of Intercourse. These places were surrounded by frigid Amish. You seriously can't make up this kind of lunacy. I loved it.

I slowly sauntered over to the door to get kid excited in a sexual manner. Which to be more accurate, I tried to make seductive movements, but looked like I was having a seizure.

"Bella, you okay?"

Yep, seizure.

I opened the door to find a dark haired guy wearing a polo shirt with the collar turned up and 80's style Day-Glo shades on top of his head. I would say I liked the recycling of fashion, but some styles should have been buried deep.

"What up, James Spader? The 1980's called and _Pretty in Pink_ needs it's Steff back."

"Is Edward here?"

"Do you listen to Devo, Steff? Depeche Mode? Do you enjoy the silence?" I tapped my chin pensively.

"My name is Paul." Steff looked confused.

My kid wrapped his arms around my waist and put his chin on my shoulder. "Hey Paul, what can I do for you?"

He could leave. Paul looked like a tool.

"Here to extend you a bid, brother. Theta Chi is the place for athletes."

Oh no. He's not joining those idiots. Jock rock being blasted at parties. Overgrown infants seducing naive coeds. Not to mention, nonstop ESPN viewing of every sport under the sun like bowling and turtle racing.

Plus, my kid has Teeny Tiny Dictator and has no need for those type of brothers.

"Do you have a rose?" I asked Steff.

Steff eyed me warily. "Do you want one?"

"For my kid, Steff. You have chosen him like that hot mess _The Bachelor_," I stated with a smirk. "If you are going to get him stinking drunk, paddled with a piece of wood and fornicating with a hole in the ground then he needs flowers first. Actually, that might be kind of stimulating. Put it on our kinky list, kid!"

They both looked at me with their mouths open.

My kid regained his composure first. "Bella likes to make jokes."

"I'm his clown, I'm here to amuse him." I gave my kid a kiss. "No frats."

"No frats." He kissed me back.

Steff looked annoyed. "This would be good for your future, Edward! Law and medical schools want this on your transcripts!"

"I'm planning on writing fantasy novels." My kid shrugged. "I'm all good. My future is clear."

I added, "I clearly see your hands on my breasts."

"Come on, Edward. This is about brotherhood, not about a wom..."

"This is about my guy getting laid, Steff. Go find Ducky and stuff him in a locker." I shut the door in his face. I placed my kid's hands on my chest. "Ravage me."

"Sounds wonderful!" He looked at me heatedly, but then his face turned contemplative. "After I finish the last chapter."

I was going to kill him.


	20. Chapter 20

**AN: I apologize for no update yesterday. It was a tough one.**

**Also...I was in a sorority. *runs away to hide***

Chapter 20

I was bored.

This was a bad thing. A bad thing for others.

That's why I was standing next to Tanya in a sorority house. It was ghastly. There were Greek letter paraphernalia everywhere. Banners, flags, shot glasses and teddy bears wearing AX tee-shirts in the sorority colors of Christmas red and green. Ho, Ho, Ho could be used in so many different ways in this place.

There were also paddles, which were disturbing. I wondered if they were used during the sorority and fraternity socials. Ho, Ho, Ho.

I had to rub my eyes as I continued to look about. The red and green clashed with the pastel hues that were used to decorate the room. It was if someone's grandmother decided to play interior decorator. The couches were floral and ornate with a large mirror hanging in a gold frame that served as a focal point in the room. The better for the sisters to admire themselves I imagined.

"I can't believe the two of us are standing here at a rush party," Tanya admitted. "I must admit I did imagine I would be doing this seriously, not just to take down the bitch after your boyfriend."

I looked at Tanya in her black cocktail dress. "You're too sophisticated for the sweater set bunch. Their pearls make me think we're going to be given tea and fed finger sandwiches."

"We are." Tanya pointed to a table.

I was correct, because when looking through the sea of girls in pale cardigans with their hair pulled back with matching ribbons, there stood a table of tea cups and fancy eats.

"I would prefer Long Island Ice Teas to get me through this thing," I complained.

"Me too. It's pretty horrible," she agreed. The fake ass kissing of both the sisters and the potential new recruits was nauseating. "I do see a problem."

"That is?"

"You look like a hobo. You'll never be taking seriously." Tanya pointed to my baggy sweatshirt and ripped jeans. She didn't know about my incredible plan. A sorority sister approached us and Tanya waved her away. "Go on, sweetie. We have bigger fish to fry."

The girl looked at Tanya in shock.

Queen Bee Tanya was back. I never realized I had been missing her.

We watched as the girl scurried off to bring in the big guns. The one I had been waiting for.

I rubbed my hands in anticipation.

"Here she comes, Miss Bitch America..." Tanya sang softly.

It was Jane. Her dark hair pulled back into a high ponytail with a pale yellow ribbon swaying as she shook slightly in anger. She looked every inch of a future preppy mommy with her yellow sweater and khaki skirt. A gold and pearl pin was on her chest.  
This must be her secret identity from the evil monster that she was truly was underneath the facade .

"Howdy, Janie."

"You weren't invited, you stupid nerds," she announced with a sneer. There's the monster.

Her insults were lame. I was disappointed. Usually I pick a nemesis that's more verbally challenging. Oh well.

I tapped my chin. "The flyer you sent out said that all were welcome. I'm part of that all, Janie."

Tanya giggled and added, "Honey, yellow isn't your color."

That's my pal. To think I used to detest her.

Jane glared. "What does Edward even see in you?"

"My amazing and creative lovemaking. I seem lazy, but I'm as flexible as an Olympic gymnast." I really was.

Tanya gave me a wink. "I can see that, Swan."

I bet she could.

Jane put her hands on her hips, as her ponytail started moving rapidly as she shook in rage. I bet that thing would be great swatting away flies on a farm. It seems that when Jane was angry her front teeth jutted out and she did look like a horse. Her new name shall be Miss Ed. "There is no way you'll be given a bid."

"I must disagree, Miss Ed. You must give me a bid," I disagreed.

"Miss Ed? What's your damage?" Jane's face was looking even more large farm animal by the second. "Is it because your boyfriend should be with me?"

She was a dead woman.

"Keep my kid out of this. You remind me of Mr. Ed the talking horse," I stated. Time to drop the bomb. "Miss Ed, I'm a legacy. My mother was a sister, so you have to make me one."

I was. I was indeed.

I don't like speaking to my mother. I try to avoid it at all costs, but for once, accidentally answering the phone had a benefit. Renee was happily making me cringe at reliving her disturbed college days. She had decided to meet a rich husband on a college campus and joined a sorority. She, of course, never let on to her new sisters that she had an ex-husband and daughter. It didn't really matter to me, because I always knew she was horrible mama. The important part was she was an alumni of this very sorority.

"You lie!" Jane hissed.

That ponytail swung faster. It was mesmerizing. I think she was trying to hypnotize me.

"I can send you pictures of my dear mommy wearing those letters or go look up Renee Higgenbottom in the sister from another mister database."

"If you are a legacy, I can make your life miserable." Miss Ed looked so proud of herself.

Tanya stopped ogling a passing coed to remark, "Oh goody, Jane's going to haze you."

"Why are you even here?" Jane asked Tanya.

"To support Bella and check out the boobs? Yours aren't too shabby. Want to make out?" Tanya gave a saucy wink. It was funny.

Jane looked at her with wide eyes and quickly turned to address me, "We don't haze. We do sisterhood trust building. It can get mighty uncomfortable."

I tapped her forehead. "It will be for you. In general, I don't participate. I do, however, love to document everything on video and share it with my best buddy the dean. Did you hear what happened to Professor Marcus? I happened, because of despicable me. I can bring this whole place down with a flick of my wrist. I shall evilly laugh as it all comes tumbling down."

"I've seen her do it," Tanya said. "I went to high school with the girl. She is a force of nature. Except for Larry. That didn't work out too well!"

I punched her in the arm, making her laugh. "That was a fluke and you know it. I'm great and all powerful like the Wizard of Oz."

"More like the Wicked Witch!" Jane yelled. She was so loud that others turned to gawk at her.

"Touché." I had to agree.

Jane moved closer to hiss, "What do I have to do to get you to leave and never come back?"

"It's easy peasey, Miss Ed. You need to never talk to my fiancé again. Don't even look at him. If I even hear a whisper that your hand brushed his arm, I will bring this mother fucking twisted sisterhood down to the ground. Edward and I are going to be married in two weeks. We need to concentrate on getting everything ready and don't need you to bothering us."

She didn't need to know that the first wedding wasn't going to be legal and that I wasn't lifting a finger to help. It was on a need to know basis.

"I bet Edward's mom is going to get doves to release after the ceremony." Tanya looked wistful.

"I find those things creepy, but I will be happy if one poops on James Taylor's head," I pointed out. That would be one special memory.

Jane looked at us like we were crazy. Poor Miss Ed.

"Fine! I'll leave Edward alone. He's a dork anyway!" She exclaimed with a sneer.

Oh no, she didn't. I grabbed her sweater. "He's my dork and an absolutely amazing person, you bitch!"

Tanya pulled me off of her. "It's okay, Tiger. Let's get a pizza. The girls at the Delta house are much better looking anyway."

Twenty, thunderous faces turned towards us.

"Let's get out of here, Tanya!"

We laughed as we ran out of there.

I wasn't bored anymore. At least until tomorrow.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

Trailer Trash Barbie was calling daily now. I couldn't figure out if she was bored or really liked complaining about breeding. It was tedious.

"If it's two, I don't care. I said I wanted nachos and he better get me nachos!"

She was talking about in the morning.

"I agree." I found it best just to say yes to everything she said. Trailer had Kung Fu fighting, tiny feet in her belly. It made one crabby.

I imagined she could reach through the phone and strangle me if I said the wrong thing.

Class hadn't started yet and I was picking clay off the table. My classmates wandered about collecting their supplies and twisting their piercings. I would hate having to go through a metal detector with them.

"Esme is going nuts," Trailer stated. "This wedding is going to be wild."

"What now?"

This shindig was spiraling out of control. Edward's parents had a tendency for excess.

"Jousting in a meadow. I also heard Alice mentioning magicians and court jesters," she explained. "I think Emmett asked to be the court jester."

Of course, he did.

I sighed loudly. "Chief Charlie is letting this happen?"

"They keep getting him drunk and then telling him the plans." She laughed. "The more the beer, the more he agrees with!"

I just sighed and started sketching with the phone resting on my shoulder. I was drawing pictures of my future mother-in-law as Medusa.

"She better not put me in a corset, because..."

A finger tapped my shoulder. "I want to see you in a corset."

Riley.

"Off the phone, Miss Swan." He gave me a wink.

Eww and yuck.

"Barbie, I have a gnat buzzing around my head. I need to smash him now." I gave him the finger.

Trailer laughed. "I'll call you tonight. The baby is going to be keeping me up anyway."

Damn it.

I turned off the phone and glared. "Did you not see me on the phone?"

"Did you not see I need to start class?"

Asshole. He sat down next to me. Riley Biers was testing my patience.

I yawned. "Get on with your teaching and I shall get busy with my napping."

"Get busy?" Riley asked with a leer. Did he not see my very sharp pencil. I would be so very easy to cram it in his eye.

"Shouldn't you be waxing poetic about drawing bowls of fruit?" I put my hoodie up, rested my head on my desk and closed my eyes. "Get ye gone."

"You need to rethink this marriage mess," he stated.

Couldn't he just leave?

I opened one eye. "Teach the children now and leave me alone."

"All I'm saying is this could ruin your whole life." Riley kept blabbing. I was so sleepy. "You could be something great if you don't get tied to that brain dead, pretty boy."

"He is pretty, isn't he? I like looking at him and petting his head like a kitty cat." I yawned loudly.

Riley tapped his fingers on the desk. "I know I make crude jokes, which seem to make you more angry than smitten, but..."

"I'm so tired, I'm about to scalp you with an Exacto knife."

He looked frightened. Good.

"That's disturbing," he said with a grimace. "You have talent. A lot of talent and you need to embrace that, not become a housewife."

He would never get it.

I sat up and looked him in the eye. "I have talent, because I have Edward's support. If he wasn't around I would be watching old _Saved by the Bell_ reruns and eating Slim Jim's. He is my inspiration."

"You sound like a love sick child." Riley wanted a beat down.

"No, she's an amazing woman who makes me smile when I wake up every morning and go to sleep every night." I looked up to see my kid. "My love, I bring coffee and donuts. Get out of my seat."

Riley scoffed, "You aren't in this class!"

"Today, I am," My kid announced with a glare. He turned and kissed me. My toes curled. Weird. Do I have a nervous tick that makes my toes do odd things?

Riley stomped off and I laughed.

"Love?" I pinched his side. "Good thing you brought me goodies."

I put my head on his shoulder.

He put his arm around me. "You're excited about the wedding."

"Umm..." Yes.

He didn't need to know details.

I needed to distract him. I looked at Riley giving us the stink eye. "Want to make Riley go ape shit?"

"Oh course!" My kid's eyes were bright with the thought of pissing Biers off.

I kissed him and chuckled as I heard Riley make weird growling noises. What a weirdo.

I pulled away and put my head back on my kid's shoulders. "Take some notes for me will ya?"

Sleepy time.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22 (EPOV)

"Miss, your parrot is causing a ruckus in the cargo hold." The flight attendant was shaking Bella's shoulder.

One of her big eyes opened. "What do you expect me to do about it?"

"Make it stop," the woman pleaded.

I looked at the woman and said, "I'm so very sorry, Ma'am. Annie Oakley is a spirited bird."

The woman gave me a large smile. She had a huge mouth. It was frightening. The flight attendant reminded me of one of those deep sea fish with the giant mouths and dagger teeth who had little lights the hung off their foreheads. My beloved made me watch a nature documentary about them. Those things gave me nightmares for a month.

"You sir, have been a joy. An absolute joy." She turned to address Bella. "Your bird is using foul language and scaring the dogs. They won't stop barking."

"Oh," Bella said nonchalantly. My girl could care less. "What's your name, flight attendant lady?"

"Yvette."

Bella scratched her neck and fluffed her airplane pillow. I should say she attempted to. It was as soft as cardboard. "No really."

"It is!" The woman was getting offended.

"Ann? Jane? Mary?" Bella asked, tapping her chin. This would be embarrassing, if I didn't find everything my love did enchanting. "Susan? Am I getting closer here?"

"You should stay with your bird!"

"Nope, Susie. Damn, I bet that's it." My girl clapped her hands. "Do your job, Susie. Make my bird comfy cosy."

The woman put her hands on her hips and looked at me. "Sir, please tell your sister..."

Bella sat up straighter and placed her hand on my penis. Wow! "Susie, this is my fiancé. We are on our way to celebrate the pilgrims raping the land and giving the Native Americans small pox by getting hitched. Please, stop flirting with him and sing to my bird."

"What?" The woman looked confused, but my mind wandered to visions of my Bella in silk and a corset. Our wedding will be the talk of Forks.

Bella smiled her devious smile and it put me back on track. She was going to hate that I made James one of my knights.

"Annie Oakley loves the song, _Uptown Girl_." Bella batted her eyelashes at Yvette or was it Susie? Wait... Bella and Annie Oakley both detest Billy Joel. What was she up to?

"Bella, Annie ha..." I tried to question, but Bella put her hand on my mouth.

Bella stated, "Don't you dare play a recording. That sweet bird wants to hear a real voice."

Annie Oakley always flew into a feathered rage when hearing live music.

"I don't sing to..." The woman began to protest.

A male flight attendant came up and tapped Yvette on the shoulder. "Susan, that bird..."

"I was right!" Bella stood and did an upward fist pump.

Susan, I guess her name was because I was very confused, irately announced, "That woman wants me to sing to her bird!"

"Do it, Susan!" The man waved her away. He looked at me. "Darling, what can I get you?"

Bella looked him in the eye. "Fiancé and I want tiny rums and cans of cokes. Don't forget the peanuts. Chop! Chop!"

The flight attendant winked at me. "Sassy! I like it!"

He gave us a wave and walked off.

"I bet Susie will regret flirting with my man. Annie is probably having a high flying shit fit," Bella stated and squeezed my leg. "Want to join a club?"

"What club?"

She whispered in my ear, "Mile High."

Ten minutes later I was inside Bella in the plane's bathroom.

It was the best airplane flight ever!


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23

"Girl, are you planning on getting ready for the wedding rehearsal anytime soon?"

Chief Charlie was interrupting blessed tv time.

I held up my bowl of ice cream. "Eating here, old timer."

He sat next to me on the couch. "What the hell are you watching?"

"Shush. I'm learning to be a princess for the medieval, renaissance, fairy tale theater hot mess we have to suffer through." I licked my spoon with gusto. Plain vanilla with strawberry sauce and most of a can of whipped cream was making me a very happy woman. I sure hope Esme and Alice can cram my butt into whatever velvet and lace torture ensemble they stole from the Fork's High production of _Taming of the Shrew_.

"It's a cartoon," he stated this like that the fact didn't occur to me.

The annoying princess was having a goody two-shoes conversation with a rabbit that raps. I think I figured out their animated status.

I also decided I wanted to bludgeon the majority of the characters. If they break into one more random life lesson about kindness, I would have to...

I eyed the television changer that was on the coffee table. Too far away.

"When I was a boy..." Oh lord, this was going to be good. "We had Bugs Bunny and Sylvester the Cat! The characters would get anvils dropped on their heads! That was the golden age of cartoons."

I patted his hand. "Those were the good old days."

I grabbed his beer and took a swig. My face puckered up at the taste of pee flavored swill. Damn, he drank the worst beer.

"You're underage! I'm the police!" My dad was cranky. It must be the idea giving me away to my kid.

"I'm getting married. Plus, I can out drink the majority of fraternity boneheads." I took another swig. Awful. Urine water would be an accurate description. "I'll be getting blotto on grog and homemade wine. I bet Esme's feet are still purple with all the grapes she mashed with them."

My dad looked ill. "I'll pass on the wine."

"How rude," I said with a smirk.  
"I think we need to have a talk..." He looked at his hands.

This was going to be fun.

"How the bees are going to be buzzing for my honey?" I questioned, oh so seriously.

My dad covered his face with his hands. "Jesus, Bella."

"Daddy, are the birds going in so they can roost in my love nest?"

"Please stop!"

I watched him stare at the screen at the insipid princess riding around on a obese flying horse. This was even better than a pretend bridal shower to go along with the fake wedding. So, so much better.

"Will it feel like the tender caress of rose petals on dew kissed skin?" I wiggled my eyebrows at him.

"I swear to all the saints that you are a changeling. Somewhere out there is a sweet, loving child who would never harass her father this way." He grabbed his beer away from me.

Good riddance to that nasty stuff.

"Will I become a woman, Daddy?" I fluttered my eyelashes. "Can I wear high heels now?"

My father got up with a groan. "Kid, some days I'm glad that I'm passing you off to Edward."

"Don't forget about the real wedding, Pop. Vegas and the bright lights on the way to Elvis at the wedding chapel."

"You are a strange child."

I giggled. An actual giggle. "You know what's going to happen in Vegas?"

"You get married to Edward and live happily ever after?" He stood in the doorway to the kitchen.

"You getting wasted and shacking up with a showgirl."

He shook his head at me. "Demon child."

Annie Oakley squawked, "Fuck Edward Cullen."  
I put my feet up on the old, plaid couch. This thing had seen better days. "Thanks a lot. I have to get the facts of life from a bird."

"I need a beer!"

I drive Chief Charlie to drink.

"Bella! You need to get in the shower! You stink like Cheetos," Teeny Tiny Dictator stomped into the house. "I have to do everything around here."

Let the games begin.


	24. Chapter 24

**AN: Vacation time...still. There were thunder storms and Ozzy Osbourne's kid eating in the same restaurant we were. Don't worry. I played it cool. **

Chapter 24

Thank all the little, chubby angels in heaven or cupids that I only had to suffer wearing a skirt to the ye olde wedding rehearsal. They were only going to make me suffer through the dress up portion during the actual ye olde wedding nuptials.

I kept giggling. I was drunk off my ass.

It started even before the practice, when my kid started passing me goblets of vino. It was his attempt to get me to stop glaring at Uncle Aro and his lute. He was making odd trilling noises that were giving me a migraine.

Esme's feet juice was a tasty mix of grapes and toe jam that was extremely potent.

My body was lying on top of my kid as we sat in a chair in the dining room.

"We should have Annie Oakley be our ring bearer," I stated, making a grab for the wine bottle.

"She'll eat the ring, Bella." Kid pushed the bottle towards James Taylor. "Let's take a break on the drinking."

I pulled his face to mine by his cheeks. "No fun! Don't tell anyone, but I like it when you call me sweetheart. Shh!"

James cracked up. "Jesus, she's fucked and not by you, Ed!"

"James Taylor, sing me _Carolina on my Mind_ or is it _Sweet Caroline_? I'm so confused! Kid! Why am I confused?" I looked at Boobs. "Boobs, you finish my crown?"

She looked up from where she was glittering construction paper with a smile. "Almost!"

"We need this on video!" James complained. "I would play this every year on your anniversary."

"Doing it right now!" Giant held up a cell phone, which Trailer snatched away.

She did great glowering eyes at him. It made me giggle again. "Grow up, Emmett! Damn this indigestion!"

Trailer rubbed her giant belly.

My eyes widened. "Can I poke it?"

"No, Bella." She rolled her eyes at me. "Can anyone take drunk girl home?"

Dictator looked over to us where she was staring at the window like a sad, weird monkey.

I jumped off my kid's lap and barreled into Dictator giving her a hug.

"Edward, she's smashed!" Dictator patted my arm.

"Let's have a sleepover!" I shouted. "You can forget all about that cannabis lover! Mary Jane, Boobs and Preggers let's do this!"

I felt waves. Why was I on a boat?

Kate looked at my kid. "We need to take her home. Garrett, can you get the Chief?"

"My darling, he's literally passed out in a chair." Garrett pointed to my dad. He was napping in a chair. It was adorable. His face was in a plate of cheese.

I giggled and swayed. Whoa. "My daddy likes the hooch!"

My kid swung me into his arms. I cried, "Stop the boat! The winds are treacherous!"

I was seasick.

I booted on my kid.

Ahh... Sweet, sleepy time.


	25. Chapter 25

**AN: I'm back.**

Chapter 25

My brain was exploding. One synapses at a time. It was like evil fireworks in my cerebral cortex.

Esme was pulling my hair like she was pulling in a rowboat back to shore. It hurt like a bitch. I think I had an evil mother-in-law.

I was sitting at the dressing table in the parental Cullen's room being tortured to death.

"Sweetheart, I'm so sorry. Your hair is a tangled mess." She pulled on one snarl and made me cry out. "Sorry, honey!"

Teeny Tiny Dictator was laughing so hard that she was bent over and hyperventilating. This was her fault.

I had been vomiting into my hair when that diabolical teeny woman decided to pull me into a shower to get the rehearsal dinner repeat performance off of me.

I could have drowned.

This morning, I looked into the mirror finding a bird's nest on my head and Skittle packages sticking out from it. I still couldn't figure out how that happened, but I do love those fruity candies.

"I think she would look pretty in pink ribbons," Boobs suggested.

Kill me now.

Trailer lounged on the bed looking like a pregnant, beached whale. "I think you need to cake on some color on Bella's face. She looks like a zombie."

Please, please kill me.

"Maybe we should do braids, Ali?" Esme pulled my hair up and started moving it around. I was feeling sick again.

I moaned, "Just take a drill or a hammer and remove my brain."

The door to the bedroom flew open and Tanya strolled in carrying a large shopping bag. It smelled like greasy, diner food.

"Damn Swan, James was right! You're one drunky monkey." Tanya started moving make-up off the table in front of me. In its place was a Forks Diner heart attack in a bun, flaccid fries and four cans of beer.

"Was he picking up my breakfast?" Boob's asked with a wistful smile.

Tanya pointed at the door. "He's waiting outside."

Boobs flew out the door. She was in love with James Taylor. If I wasn't nauseous already that would be enough to do it.

"Tanya dear..." Esme held up the can of beer.

"You want this girl to walk down the aisle, Mrs. Cullen?" Tanya tapped my poor skull with her talon. "She needs to get lubricated with grease and booze."

Trailer struggled to sit upright. "That's what got me into this mess."

She pointed to her stomach and I laughed hard. It caused more shooting pain.

I looked at the burger and then the cheap beer.

Aww hell. Anything is better than feeling like shit on the bottom of a worn out pair of Nikes.

I cracked open the beer and started guzzling.

"Damn it, Bella! Didn't you have enough last night?" My father bellowed as he came into the room. He wore an old suit that belonged to my grandfather. It was powder blue.

Chief Charlie winced and clutched his head. He was hungover.

"Dad? You need to up chuck, too?"

"I'm the law, but I'm making an exception today." Dad grabbed a beer and started drinking next to me and sharing my fries.

Like father, like daughter.

Today, might be a good day after all.


	26. Chapter 26

**AN: The things I write you. Seriously.**

Chapter 26

Chief Charlie wasn't helping me make it down the aisle in a straight line. He kept bumping us into the guests seated on the folding chairs.

"Sorry!" My dad kept barking to the poor human targets. "I think that woman tripped me, Bells!"

He was loud.

I had one beer. Chief Charlie had five. It was obvious which one of us was inebriated.

"Whoa!" I tripped and fell into Tanya's lap.

Maybe not so obvious.

"Do I get to kiss the bride?" She asked with a wink.

I punched her in the shoulder.

Pulling myself up with no help at all from my barely coherent Pop, I inwardly cursed the voluminous skirts from the ivory gown stolen from the set of _The Tudors_.

Likewise, Henry the Eighth would have been impressed by the decor. The recreation room of the Forks Senior Citizens Center had been transformed into a royal wonderland of purple and silver banners, golden gargoyles on pillars and candelabras filled with ruby candles giving the room an otherworldly glow. It was pretty impressive if you liked that kind of hoopla.

Uncle Aro was in his minstrel finery playing his lute accompanied by Cousin Caius who played a small drum while glaring at his father. The moody, blond boy was not a fan of having to play instrumental tributes to everlasting love. The tattoos of demons on his neck suggested death metal to me, which would be more enjoyable than listening to his father butcher the lute.

My kid stood at the end of the aisle beaming at me in his tights and waist coat thing. I'm sure it had a fancy name, but it didn't matter. The important part was that my kid looked nice. Fine... He looked amazing. Even with that little, gold crown on his head.

He took my hand when we reached him. I said, "What up, kid?"

"You're the loveliest woman I have ever seen," he whispered into my ear.

Isn't he a charming monkey?

The giant stood next to my kid and wiggled his fingers to give me a wave. He was dressed up like the hugest court jester ever. The bright colors and silk were not at all slimming. The jester's hat just looked ridiculous. Which for the giant was very fitting.

Annie Oakley was my maid of honor. "Fuck Edward Cullen."

Hee. Hee. Hee.

There were many dropped mouths.

"Friends and family, we are here to celebrate..." Dr. Carl started blabbing dressed in his wizard robes. They were covered in stars and moons. I looked at my kid in confusion. I could see some tribute to _The Lord of the Rings _or, since it was Dr. Carl, _Harry Potter_. However, this bad costume was from the discount bin at The Dollar General.

"Robe?" I mouthed.

Edward looked embarrassed and mouthed back to me, "He lit the good one on fire."

Silly Dr. Carl and his feats of magic. They always went bad.

The ceremony itself was pretty painful. Dr. Carl can drone on for hours about absolutely nothing and even more about the nature of love.

Blab, blab and more blabbing.

I started shifting back and forth. I had to pee. It was my own fault for not breaking the seal after having that beer. It was a bad decision.

Pee. Pee. Pee...

"Bella?" Dr. Carl said to me.

"Huh?" Pee. Needed to pee.

"Your vows, dear."

I looked at my kid who looked proud of himself and smiled at me with fat, baby Cupids in his eyes. Oh shit.

He had said his vows and I completely missed them, because of my singing the I Have To Pee song in my head.

I really hope someone recorded him saying sappy word of devotion. I really should watch that.

My turn. Umm...

"You're more... Ahh... Tolerable now. I like your face. Umm... Your kissing is skilled and forceful. Less tongue would be cool sometimes. Ahh... You're nice to my bird." I looked at the ceiling. There was stains. They must have a leak. I looked back to my kid. He was grinning. "I guess... Umm... I will watch _Highlander_ with you and not... Hmm... Mock it so much. Not promising though. I love you, dude."

He beamed. I still needed to pee.

"King Edward, do you take Isabella as your queen?"

Really?

My kid kissed my hand and placed a ring on my finger. "I pledge my everlasting love to my queen."

"Queen Isabella, do you take Edward as your King?"

Really?

Why not?

"Cool," I replied.

"The ring!" Teeny Tiny Dictator cried as she stuffed a ring into my hand.

Oh yeah. I crammed it on his finger. He could cram those fingers somewhere else after the reception. Hee. Hee.

Dr. Carl started to say, "You may kiss..."

"Oh my god! My water broke!" Trailer screamed.

I heard gushing water and squeezed my thighs shut even harder.

Have to pee. Have to pee.

Dr. Carl rushed into action. I watched as he checked her contractions and started ordering people around. Impressive.

Maybe I can slip out to the restroom...

"Bella, hold onto Rosalie's hand!" I was directed by the good doc. I guess we were delivering this melon here.

Chief Charlie fainted.

The giant looked like a clown at the birth of his first born. Hilarious.

"I hate you, Emmett!" Trailer screamed. "I'm going to cut off your balls and feed them to you!"

Best wedding ever.

I watched in amazement at Trailer giving birth. It was like a really gory horror movie. I loved ever minute of it. My kid looked nauseous.

It was like a humongous beast was coming out of her vagina. That gigantic baby was going to destroy Tokyo. That girl was huge like her behemoth father.

Also, that baby had a set of lungs on it like her mother. Loud, so very loud.

As Trailer attached that screaming baby gorilla to her boob, I leaned over her and said to my kid, "Kiss the bride?"

He did passionately.

Our first kiss was over a nursing Trailer. That's what memories are made of.

I pulled away and announced, "I'll be back! I've got to pee."

Thirty minutes later, I figured out how to lift those damn skirts to find relief and for my kid to corner me in the tiny bathroom.

We consummated our wedded bliss in the Forks Senior Citizens Center's bathroom.

Perfect.


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter 27

Teeny Tiny Dictator was the picture of sadness as she sat between her two annoying admirers, Alec and Pete. Pete was invited by my kid in order to play matchmaker or to stick it to Cheech. It was probably both.

I didn't know what the deal with that Alec was. He was wearing a polka dotted bow tie and talking about the glory days of Reagan, because even when he was an egg in his mother's ovaries he was a staunch Republican. The kid was reminiscent of Michael J. Fox's character on _Family Ties_, only more obnoxious. I didn't feel bad at all for launching spitballs into his Coke. If you think you are too good for the Cullen family grog, then you deserve my lethal tissues balls.

Alec kept swatting at them, but my aim was fierce,

Unfortunately, Dictator didn't notice me terrorizing her date. She only had eyes for her blond, dreadlocked ex-lover.

Dictator was staring at Cheech. Cheech was all gooey eyed over Dictator. It was nauseating. This meant that it was, unfortunately, up to me to make them kiss and make up. I was a damn saint.

"What did you think of my vows?" My kid asked, as I was trying to formulate my plan, eat a gigantic turkey leg and make Alec insane. I was busy here and he was looking for praise. Good thing I loved him.

"Sweet. All the you're my queen, royal love and eternity at the round table was cool," I lied. It sounded like the usual adorable prattle he would normally say. I focused on Cheech's red eyes. I was trying to decipher if it was pot or his tears of sadness from losing Dictator and her bossy britches ways.

Kid lifted my hand and kissed it. He said, "I didn't say any of that."

"Not even calling me queen? That part had to be a given." I narrowed my eyes. If I had to go through all of this, he better make sure the drunken guests knew who the boss was around these parts. England had Queen Elizabeth and her corgis. Forks had Queen Bella and her foul mouthed parrot. These two things were absolute.

"Of course, I called you my queen! I also talked about how you were a challenge at first, but when you finally gave our love a chance that you completed my life. I can see us in our later years, surrounded by our children and grandchildren still as enamored of each other as we are today." He kissed me softly, as the guests tapped their goblets.

That was annoying, but his speech was lovely. It also was...

"You going to start writing Hallmark cards for a living, kid?" I questioned. He looked at me with those big pools of moss and I caved. "It was nice. I would even say you know how to make the ladies swoon. I'm sorry my need to urinate made me miss it."

"That's okay. James videoed it."

I scoffed, "We're going to have a wedding video of Boob's cleavage."

Kid dropped his fork. "I should have thought of that."

He really should have. Oh well.

I watched as Dictator sniffled and wiped her eyes with a napkin. Enough of this nonsense.

"I have gift for you," I announced to my not lawfully wedded husband. "I shall be giving a speech."

"A toast for me!" He smiled so big and so toothy. Like a lovable shark.

I hated to burst his bubble. "Nope, but that would have been lovely if I thought of it."

"Oh."

I stood and raised my goblet on the air. "I have a few things to say..."

There was cheering. Silly drunks.

Kate just shook her head at me from where she was drinking heavily on Teeth's lap. He was getting amorous and she was ignoring his advances to look over at who I was staring at. Cheech. She mouthed, "Don't do it."

She should know me better than that.

Before i could start my tirade, Giant yelled, "Preach it, girl!"

He took a giant bite of turkey leg and gave me a thumbs up.

I did a double take. There near the door sat Giant, Trailer Trash Barbie and Babyzilla. That ginormous baby monster was still sucking down Trailer's boob juice. They really need to be at the hospital.

"Cheech, you are an asshole. A stupid, ridiculous, Grateful Dead listening ex-stoner who needs to recognize that the only girl who will ever put up with your slow talking and bad poetry writing ways is Alice. She might someday enslave us all when she becomes ruler of the planet and if I were you I would make up with her quickly. She has some Queen of Hearts in her and it will be off with your head."

Dictator dropped her grog.

"Hey! Alice is my date!" Alec screamed.

"Put a sock in it, Alex P. Keaton. Write a letter to George Bush."

Alec looked confused. "Which one?"

"I don't care. Just do it." I looked at a nervous Pete. "Not a word, Peter or I will embarrass you thoroughly."

He remained mute. Good dog.

Dictator and Cheech both stood and crossed the room to stand in front of each other on the dance floor.

"Do you love me?" She asked.

"Yeah, Ali. I do," he replied.

Dictator kneed him in the groin. Hard.

"Then why did you put me through months of suffering and tears, you dumb ass!" She screamed.

She then pulled him put of his pain filled fetal position and kissed him. It appeared with tongue.

"James Taylor, serenade them with some folk love songs," I demanded.

He gave me the finger. "I don't sing, Swan! You know this!"

"Then you are of absolutely no use to anyone right now," I pointed out. "Do we have anyone named Al Green or Marvin Gaye?"

Instead, Uncle Aro started butchering our ears with more lute.

My kid pulled me down onto his lap and apparently very hard sword. "What was that?"

"I was fixing things. She's my sister now, so..."

He kissed me. Whoa.

"If I couldn't love you anymore than I do now," he murmured into my mouth. "Bathroom?"

Marvin Gaye is never wrong. Let's get it on.


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter 28 (EPOV)

It was like the dreams I had as a young boy came true. I had my Camelot wedding to my Guinevere. I did hope our marriage that it didn't end up happier. I would hate for that vile Riley to be Lancelot.

There were some interesting developments that did occur at our nuptials. I'm now godfather to Emmett's little girl. My sister was back in a relationship with Jasper, which caused me to punch him in the nose. Jacob Black and Seth Clearwater got so drunk that they proceeded to undress as my Uncle Aro played a cover of some nineties band called, Color Me Bad.

My mother was not impressed with their moves.

It had been an unusual wedding, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Now it was time for the wedding night. Full of romance, fun and sexual...

"This is a tree house," my love stated with a frown.

It was and it was perfect. I had my father and Emmett replace the rickety stairs. Of course, the new ones were barely hammered in place making them even more deadly. Luckily, I was a knight and could protect my lady love.

"Seriously though, we aren't staying in a tree house." She was glaring. It was extremely attractive and intensely scary.

"We are."

She was going to make herself a widow, because she was going to kill me. Isabella asked, "Why?"

The Fork's Motel 8 has bed bugs and weird stains on the mattresses according to James.

The bed and breakfast on Field Street is booked for the holidays.

I wouldn't be able to get lucky if we stayed at either of our parents' homes.

"I thought it would be more romantic," I lied.

Isabella went up the tree like a nimble footed gazelle. I almost fell down twice and broke my neck.

When we entered, I was in shock. My childhood castle was now devoid of comic books and posters of baseball players, instead there were candles lighting up the dark wood. On the floor were soft pillows and a sleeping bag that would mark our first night as man and wife. In a ice bucket was a bottle of champagne and two wine glasses. Alice had outdone herself.

"What do you think?" I threw my arms around her.

"It's a fire hazard."

She had a point.

I rubbed her arms. "Other than that?"

"Umm... Nice?" She looked around. "This treetop harem is and unusual choice with all with the silk pillows, but my name is not Jeannie and I don't live in a bottle."

"It's romantic," I smiled.

Bella pointed to me. "Kid, you're going to freeze to death."

She had noticed I was shivering. I was still wearing my wedding clothes. Bella had changed into sweats. That was probably a wise decision.

I wasn't going to let this get me down. "We have a sleeping bag!"

Bella plopped down on it. "I see I have a sleeping bag, but where are you going to sleep."

Her yawn was loud.

"We can share! I love snuggling with you!" I started to undress. "It's like they taught us in Boy Scouts..."

"To get naked in a tree house? Boy Scouts are really fucked up." Bella wiggled her eyebrows. "Love the view, but didn't you bring some pajamas of some sort?"

To be honest, I didn't think of it.

I pulled down my tights. "You need to get naked too."

"Nada, Bud. These sweats are staying on." Picking up the champagne for a moment, Bella dropped it back into the ice. "That was a bad idea. First, it's a cliche and it's also freezing. Hot coffee would be great. By the way, you got some shrinkage."

I covered my penis.

"Get in here, Kid," Bella opened up the sleeping bag and crawled in. I followed quickly.

It was a tight fit and Alice's sleeping bag was a thin fabric.

Even with Bella's arms around me, my teeth chattered.

It felt like I was on an expedition to the Arctic tundra.

I was lost in a blizzard.

Got locked up in a walk-in freezer.

"I love you, but can't feel my nose." Bella admitted. She was trying to burrow into my neck.

Five minutes later, I was pounding on the front door of my parent's house. "Why did they lock the door."

"Probably they were thinking we were spending the night in the love tree and using leaves as toilet paper," Bella stated with another yawn.

My father finally stumbled to the door wiping his blurry eyes. "What are you doing here, kids?"

Bella pushed past him. "Not getting frostbite. I need sleep."

I was going to make sweet love to my wife. I refused to have my parents dictate where...

Throwing a hand to stop me, my father pointed to the tree house. "Put out the candles, son."

He shut the door in my face.

Damn it!


	29. Chapter 29

**AN: Hi! I apologize for the wait. Writing in the summer is hand. My cute babies tire me out!**

**I do have some fun news . . . Another one of my stories is on the poll at The Lemonade Stand. It's called Wet Sands. I would love if you check out the story and if you really enjoy it then go over cast a vote. Of course, there are so many great stories over there that you can vote for them too! **

Chapter 29

"It won't fit," I pointed out, as I watched as Chief Charlie try to shove a gigantic turkey into the oven.

Coffee, sweet coffee was filling my gullet and I was getting a free show before the parade. I was sitting down at the kitchen table, as I watched my dad brace himself to give it another push.

This was a ridiculous idea to have Thanksgiving at Chez Swan. This turkey was a prime example of the hot mess that was coming. It was too large like the amount of guests that Chief Charlie planned on cramming into the house. My kid's family was a big group of crazies and it wouldn't surprise me if they dressed up like Pilgrims to celebrate the day.

"I don't think brute force is working for you?" I stuck my feet up on the chair next to me. "You're just lucky that I'm so wonderful that I wanted to be up bright and early with you to give you emotional support."

Actually, it was some damn bird making a racket outside of my window. I didn't know much about birds except for the parrot variety. Shouldn't loud mouth little, brown birdies be heading south for the winter along with the elderly heading to Boca?

"Stop being a little shit and help out your dad!" He turned it sideways. That made even less sense.

I just laughed. Almost fell out of my chair.

"Maybe we should chop it up into pieces?" He asked, as he rubbed his mustache. He was coating his upper lip hair with uncooked turkey. That was nasty. I had to tell Kid when he woke up. His OCD would go into overdrive and I would have some more morning amusement.

I stood up and looked at the turkey thoughtfully. "I guess we could put it back together with toothpicks. Maybe use some of the boxed mashed potatoes like a paste. We can hide our chopping with some of those green things."

"Are we talking iceberg lettuce or leaves from outside?" Chief Charlie looked out the window at some red leaves on the ground. "They would make look fancy."

"I was thinking herbs."

He scoffed, "We don't have those things around here!"

True. We did have string cheese. I proceeded to take one out of the fridge for breakfast, as I saw my father pull out a large butcher knife. He plunged it in, it ricocheted off the flesh of that big old bird and hit the wall.

Right next to my kid's head. He had just come through the doorway and was white as a ghost. "Oh shit! You do hate me, sir!"

"Don't get your panties in a bunch," I admonished. "No one hates you. Dad, didn't you defrost it?"

"No. Why? I just took it out of the freezer," my dad admitted and poked it with a fork. "It will melt."

"It takes hours to defrost, sir." My kid rubbed his back with a look of pain. Chief Charlie made him sleep on the old couch that sagged in the middle. I got to sleep in my old bedroom that had a brand new mattress. It was heavenly. I got to stretch out without all of Kid's needy cuddling. It was like a vacation.

"Edward, I think we have a problem." Chief Charlie grabbed a side of the turkey. "Help me get this in the microwave, son."

It wouldn't even fit in an oven. The beer must be going to his old brain.

Of course, my kid rushes to help this insanity. I just decided to refill my coffee and head to the television. Cartoon time, before parade time.

"Where are you going, Bell?" My dad asked. My kid was slipping and trying to help cram a big bone in a small hole. So many jokes can be made right now.

Before I could answer, my kid fell backwards and the carcass landed on his chest. "Help me!"

I threw some napkins on him. "There you go."

Thanksgiving was off to a fabulous start.


	30. Chapter 30

**AN: Hi.**

**I have an old story that I rewrote and restarted called, In Bold Print. It's set int the 1940's. The Bella in that one was the precursor to this one. You know how I love my snarky Bellas. Please check it out if you get a chance. Thanks!**

Chapter 30

I was incorrect about the pilgrim get up. Instead the Cullen's were sporting Native American headdresses complete with feathers.

"You have got to be shitting me," Chief Charlie muttered, as he peered into the living room as Edward was letting his family in. "We need to get those things buried in the backyard before Billy and Harry gets here for dessert."

I grabbed the festive turkey decorated paper plates for the appetizers. "Are they bringing dessert?"

"Um. . . no." Chief Charlie rubbed his chin. "I made orange jello and we can top it with Cool Whip."

Interesting choice.

"It's still a little runny, but I'm sure it will harden," he added.

Doubtful.

"No pumpkin pie?" I questioned.

Dad looked like a deer in headlights. "Damn it! Right! Thanksgiving! I have some pumpkin flavored Little Debbie cakes. They're like pumpkin flavored Twinkies."

Good idea. "Do we have to unwrap them all first? That seems tedious."

He grinned. "No, Bells. We just open the box and dump them on a plate."

Perfect.

"Happy Thanksgiving!" Dictator ran to me with a hug. Horrible touching.

She stuck one of those horrific, feathered monstrosities on my noggin. I was not impressed.

I stuck in the trash with the ill-fated, instant mashed potatoes we burnt in the first attempt of making them. The rest we used to stick the turkey together with flavored cheese spread. I hope people like rippled potato chips as a starch at dinner.

"Why did you do that?" Dictator was giving me the stink eye. "It's festive."

"You mean offensive, I believe." I grabbed a tray of store cut veggies and dip. Everything was wilting. We probably shouldn't have gotten it the previous week, but it was on sale.

A contemplative look crossed Alice's face, she took off the hat. "I guess you're right. Last year we were pilgrims, so. . ."

"You get disturbingly excited about holidays."

Her big eyes got wide and she nodded earnestly. "We do."

Fabulous.

I do hope they enjoy disappointment, because they are going to be getting a heaping load of it.

"Feed the natives." I tossed a box of crackers at her head. Then I realized what I said. I stomped in at the congregation of clueless guests in the living room. Kid was wearing a headdress too. "Take them off. Right now, Edward."

He pulled it off and apologized quickly, "I won't do it again!"

He knows he's in trouble when I use his name.

"Oh Bella, darling, we didn't mean to offend!" Esme trilled. "I have a bag of crafts to make instead to keep the festivities going! Who wants to make paper turkeys?"

Charlie spit out his beer, as her children cheered. They all regressed into children.

"Yo Swan-Cullen, daddy needs a beer!" That's when I finally noticed Giant sprawled out on the couch like Jabba the Hutt. He had already unbuttoned his jeans.

Trailer was exposing herself to the crowd again and that monster of a child was latched on and sucking out her insides. "Hey girl! Emmett's parents are assholes. We're eating here."

"You talk like that when our sweet girl is on your boob, Babe? Her first word is going to be fuck."

She glared at him. "You didn't mind my dirty mouth last night."

"Babe, your boobs are fuck hot!" They started making out with the suckling piglet between them as I watched. I grabbed a bag of popcorn off the coffee table. I need snacks for this inappropriate show.

My dad immediately tried to put a stop to their activities. He complained loudly, "Emmett, I should have thrown away the key the last time I had you in the slammer. This is a family friendly holiday!"

"Bella! Don't you have bowls and platters to put the appetizers on?" Dictator was in a tizzy.

I looked at her like she was nuts and pointed to Dr. Carl using Cheez Whiz on Triscuits, while staring blankly at football on the television. I didn't think he was allowed to veg out in front of TV's and eat junk food. It was good for him. "If it's good enough for your dad, it's good enough for you. He's physician after all."

She didn't look convinced so I changed the subject. "What did they name the screamer?"

It was probably screaming, because her sperm donor was eyeing it's food source.

"Her name is Princess Sparkle," Dictator stated with a disgusted look on her face.

No way.

"You messing with me here? It's on the birth certificate?"

"It is." Dictator shook her head. "I'm not thinking it's a family name, but with Emmett's side you can never tell."

"Don't mock, girl who is making turkey potholders with her mommy. Your family isn't quite sane." I watched my kid gluing construction paper to a paper plate with the help of Esme and shuddered.

Dictator raised a perfectly sculpted eyebrow. I bet that hurt with all the plucking. "Your father is passing out Slim Jim's as a before dinner nibble."

"Touché, young Cullen."

This was going to be a holiday to remember.

XXXXXX

"Charlie, I don't think this turkey is quite ready," Dr. Carl pointed out with a grave expression.

It wasn't even close to done. It was raw. Chief Charlie might as well have shot a turkey and immediately put it on the table. At least the outside was nice, brown and pasted together with the final bits of mashed potatoes.

Dictator looked at the vegetables in confusion. "Why do you have raw greens beans covered with onions?"

"Isn't that a Thanksgiving delicacy, Alice?" Chief Charlie asked. He was rightfully offended.

"No," Esme answered. She gave him a sweet smile. "It was so sweet of you to try!"

Yes, it's sweet. Adorable, even. Also, sure to cause food poisoning.

"How about some cranberry sauce?" My dad suggested.

Sure we just opened the can and stuck in a spoon, but there was no reason to eye it warily. It remained untouched.

"Yo! Swan!" Giant held up the bag of potato chips. "You got something better than generic? It isn't good for the baby."

"Babies don't eat potato chips. Please tell me you realize that," I stated.

I was pretty certain that baby was sleeping in a cardboard box. They probably swaddled it in the Giant's old Warrant tee-shirts and I see playing with matches in the kid's future.

Trailer just smiled. "He heard the baby eats what I eat. All name brands in our place."

I really wanted to throw her an apple.

However, we had more pressing matters. My stomach was grumbling and my kid was was getting grumpy without sustenance. He was playing with my fingers and reciting baseball stats. It was depressing. For us.

"Dad, you need to call Tony," I stated. There was a chorus of angry stomachs singing songs of discontent.

Chief Charlie appeared to be pouting. "Isn't that admitting defeat?"

"When the hungry crowd turns to cannibalism and starts eating you, then we say it's a defeat." I was sensible. I thought I got that attribute from him, but I must have been mistaken.

Instead of looking hungry, Esme now looked appalled. It seems she isn't a fan of human flesh. Note to self, no zombie movies with the mother-in-law.

Poor old dad. He was crestfallen. "Alright, I'll grab the Chinese menu."

Tony made the best Chicken Lo Mein and he was always open on every holiday. We were repeat customers and I was sure he was waiting for our call.

"Can I have your fortune cookie?" My kid asked, his mood brightening considerably.

That's my boy.


	31. Chapter 31

**AN: Hey.**

**I have a plan. A delightful plan. Can we say trilogy?**

Chapter 31

"I think we need to buy a house before Christmas," Edward whispered next to me.

I looked up from the overpriced text book I was trying to study from. "Kid, I came to here to study and not be distracted. You promised to be quiet, so I can try to concentrate on the most boring thing I have ever read in my life. I suggest that before I make a scene, you get to started on that paper you need to work on."

He started banging his head on the table. "I hate Hemingway."

If it wasn't Tolkien or Martin, my kid was not impressed.

The library assistant shushed him, gave a glare and looked back at her computer screen. I bet she was watching porn.

"Chill kid, not everything you read has to be fantasy."

He looked up, pouting. "I also enjoy reading some sci-fi novels and and athletes' biographies."

Of course he does.

I should have never brought him to these hallowed halls of the university's library. The low lighting and silence was needed to keep me on task to try to read about the chemical components of matter. This class was pointless. Ridiculous science credit.

"I would like you to put those pretty lips of yours to good use and. . ."

He almost yelled, "Kiss you in the medieval history section?"

"Shush!" Went the actual librarian. She went past with a trolly of books and a mean expression. I do believe that her salt and pepper bun was pulled a bit too tight.

"Shut up," I answered him and tried to read. The boy was insatiable since the faux wedding.

He kept blabbering. "We need a place to stay at Christmas. Your dad won't let us sleep in the same room and my family keeps bursting in without knocking."

True. I'm sure the memory of me with one leg in the air, while her son pushed into me as he screamed out the lyrics to the L.L Cool J classic, _Doin' It_, would be emblazoned on poor Esme's brain for eternity. I was still having flashbacks.

I put my head on the book wearily. I was so done with this higher education thing and I hadn't even finished a semester. "Call the Forks Inn and book a room. If they're full, try the Motel 8 over by the highway. We can catch some of the bed bugs and start a Bed Bug Circus. We'll be famous."

"Not funny." He pulled out his phone and started searching on it.

I put my head up. "That better be on silent. The Library Avengers will be on our asses and put us in library prison where they won't let us eat and we'll have to read boring encyclopedias that smell like dust balls."

"Your mind works in wondrous ways," he complimented. Kid handed me his phone. "We should get this one."

It was a rose covered cottage near, but not next, to his parents. It looked like the kind of place little girls wanted to pretend to be fair maidens in. It had gardens of wildflowers and vegetables with images of hummingbirds flittering about. There were butterflies everywhere. The inside had been modernized with the appliances, but the furnishings were whimsical and fitted it perfectly. I almost gasped when it said the furniture came with the house.

I wanted us to quit school and move right in. Edward could write books about dragons and I could illustrate them. We could make love on the floor by the fireplace on a bear skinned rug. Never mind, that's gross. I could learn to cook in an oven. I should hate this, but. . .

"What do you think?" He asked.

I buried my excitement. "Remember the old days of house hunting? You would have the newspaper getting ink all over your fingers, as you tried to see the grainy images of the houses."

"Bella. . ."

I punched him gently in the arm. "I love it. I want you to become pregnant with all our babies in that house."

"Still medically impossible, sweetheart." He gave me a wink and took his phone back. He started typing. I was allowing him more freedom with the terms of endearment lately. I was a giver. He looked at me with a grin. "Done."

"Done what?"

"The house," he said with glee.

Why that. . .

"You little shit!" I yelled.

"Quiet or you are going to have to leave!" The librarian admonished, as her assistant shook her head at us in distaste.

I started to say, "You had this planned from the beginning, you sneaky fuc. . ."

"Bella. You actually did it." Riley stood next to the table and stared angrily at our wedding rings. "You won't be married for long."

"I think you need to stop talking to my wife. We just bought a house together," my kid whispered. Of course, he had to bring up that purchase he made two minutes ago.

Riley spat back, "She's too good for you."

"Want to take this outside, ass?" My kid was pissed. It was hot.

Not that watching their whisper fight wasn't amusing, but Kid was all sorts of attractive when defending my honor. I need a release.

"Stop twirling your imaginary mustache, Riley. The obsessed villain is clichéd and annoying me. You don't know enough about me to actually like me. I'm a pretty unlikable person by choice. Go away."

"Divorced, Bella. Mark my words," Riley announced spinning on his heels and making a dramatic exit. What a girl.

Of course, technically, kid and I weren't actually married. Riley was already wrong. This made me cheerful.

I pulled kid up by his sweater. "I'm feeling some need to look at biology right now."

Twenty minutes later, we were in the biology section near books about the mating habits of tree frogs. Kid's head was under my fisherman's sweater. His mouth was suckling my breast like a piglet and his other hand was down my pants. I had a hand down his, just to be fair.

I let out an uncharacteristic moan.

"Shh," Kid mumbled from the inside of my shirt. Must have been hard to get out with a mouth full of boob.

I stuck my fist in my mouth. He was getting quite adept at this. They always say that practice makes perfect.

It was working out great. Of course, Kid's phone had to ring.

_The William Tell Overture_ filled the library.

Oh no.

Why did he pick that as a ring tone?

"What are you doing?" The librarian was looking at us in shock.

Her ninety year-old virgin eyes must be confused about what was happening here.

"Hey." I said with a nod.

"Hi!" Kid squeaked, from under my shirt. Mouth still on boob. Esme had no latching issues with this one.

"Get your things! You both are banned from the library!" She yelled and stomped off.

Oh. Shit.


	32. Chapter 32

**AN: Hey there.**

Chapter 32

The dean tapped his desk in a strangely rhythmic beat. I wondered if, perhaps, he was attempting to hypnotize me. It wasn't working in the slightest, but you had to give the guy some props if that was his plan. It took balls to try to lull your students into a hypnotized state to get them to fess up. I wonder what my horrible misdeed was. There was far too many to choose from.

"I did not post questionable pictures of certain sorority sisters on the _Girls Gone Wild_ website. I suggest you visit those Lambda boys. They seem a nasty sort of young men that would do something so vile." Actually, I thought it was pretty amusing that those idiots would get an ounce of hooch down their gullets and would act like slutty fools. Then the most obvious answer occurred to me. "I bet those Delta girls did it themselves. Giggled obnoxiously the whole time."

The dean sighed deeply, and tapped harder. "That isn't why I called you in my office, Isabella."

"Oh." I was sitting on an ornate, but highly uncomfortable oak chair. It's maroon cushion needed more padding. I put my feet up on his desk. "Is this to thank me for my taking down of that sexual harassing professor? I will gladly take a parade in my honor or a trophy."

"You aren't here for that. This is about. . ." He started to say, but my foot tapping on his desk made him look cranky. "Please take your feet off my desk."

"No." I tapped harder. If he could tap, then so could I. "Is this about the unfounded rumor that a Mr. Edward Cullen and I broke into the swim center and went skinny dipping?"

The dean looked at me with his eyes bulging out. "You did?"

"That was all a bunch of hogwash and balderdash! Stupid rumors, I tell you! You wouldn't think I would ever do such a thing, do you?"

I would and completely did.

_"Bella, we can't do this!" My kid's hands were covering his penis. It was limp like an overcooked piece of linguine. "We're going to get caught!"_

_I swam up to him and looked at him shaking like a leaf. Wimp. "You're just going to let me be naked in here by my lonesome?"_

_Flipping over, I did the naked back float._

_I heard my kid do an odd whimpering noise. It was funny and he was about to relent._

_"Cameras?"_

_"They're turned off," I called, as I continued floating._

_"Guards?"_

_"Paid them off with pizza and beer." I started kick lazily._

_"Can I have water sex with you?"_

_I flipped back over and swam over to him. "You better, kid."_

_"Cannonball!"_

Kid provided some kinky aquatic moves that will live in infamy. I couldn't help chuckling to myself.

"That isn't why you are here, but Mr. Cullen is involved." The dean was no fun. He was Oscar the Grouch with a bad toupee.

"Right. The wedding must be the problem. Riley is a filthy rat and tattled, didn't he? My retribution will be swift. I'm thinking shaving his head and drawing penises on it with permanent markers. What do you think?"

"Miss Swan, I mean Mrs. Cullen, this is serious," the dean explained looking tired. "You will lose your scholarships and housing."

"We aren't really married," I stated. "This ring is a promise ring. I promised him a annoying and fake renaissance wedding. He promised me a real Vegas wedding after graduation. There are isn't a marriage license with my name on it. You can't take anything away, though I am seriously tiring of this institution of higher learning, as is my parrot."

The dean started sputtering, "I must apologize! It was a misun. . ."

I didn't even register what he was saying, because my stomach started the flipping and the flopping.

I threw up on his oriental carpet. I hoped it wasn't expensive, but I pretty sure it was.

"Sorry. Must be the calamari I had for dinner last night." I stood up and grabbed a tissue off his desk, wiping my mouth daintily. I dropped it on my leftovers that I had just deposited on his floor. "See ya."

I left the dumbfounded dean in his office and found my kid pacing outside.

He grabbed my hands. "Bella, what did he want?"

"The usual. Take away my scholarships, because Riley ratted us out. I threw up on his floor." I shrugged. "It's all good."

Taking my face in his hands, kid felt my forehead. "You don't feel warm! Was it the calamari?"

"Maybe. It came out of nowhere."

A strange expression graced Kid's face. "When were you supposed to have your period again?"

Oh shit!


	33. Chapter 33

Chapter 33

It just takes three minutes to change your life forever.

It takes thirty minutes to accurately pee on ten tiny sticks.

I was washed my hands, but didn't button my jeans until I headed out the bathroom door. It was fun to get Kid all worked up. "We have some cleaning up to do in there."

Except that he didn't notice at all. Quietly he mumbled, "Oh. You should have peed in a cup and dipped the sticks in."

"What's the fun in that? It's like a game of skill and chance. Hit the stick, get a plus and you win the need to purchase diapers for two years. Mostly likely six, if the tiny terror has a penis."

Edward looked up at me. His face was solemn. "There are important decisions to be made."

"Chill out, Yoda."

He looked even more upset. "_Star Wars_! Are you kidding me?"

"It could be worse. I could have said _Star Trek_. How about this? Chill out, Harry Potter."

He stood up and paced back and forth. "This is serious! We need to plan-"

"What I'm getting on my pizza?" I waved a menu in his face.

"No!"

"The sex we need to be having?" I pointed to my unbuttoned jeans. "Look at the easy access, buckaroo."

"Bella! My child might be in there!"

He was going to be a pain in my ass.

"It's a zygote. It won't feel a damn thing." I went for his jeans. "Join me for mutual satisfaction. It will pass the time while we wait for the sticks to finish cooking."

Annie Oakley shrieked, "Fuck Edward Cullen!"

I wiggled my eyebrows. "Our parrot agrees with me."

Kid stomped his foot. He was already practicing being a questionable role model for our spawn. Maybe spawn.

"Are you ready for this?" He asked, looking worried. His hands started pulling at his hair.

I shrugged. "I don't care. They will be implanting it in you anyway. Enjoy those extra pounds, sexy."

"Bella!"

I sat on the couch and patted the seat next to me. Kid came over cautiously. I decided to hug him. He seemed to like that touchy stuff.

"Edward, the deed is done. I'm pregnant or I'm not. We're together and happy, so we deal with it. Chief Charlie is going to make a kick ass nanny." I took his stressed out face in my hands and kissed him. Pulling away, I asked, "You don't want this anymore?"

He kissed me with one of those toe curling ones that movies stupidly talk about. "I want this! I want to be a stay-at-home dad!"

Umm. . . Okay.

I pulled him up and we headed to the bathroom.

One look was all it took.

"Fuck me, I actually bred."


	34. Chapter 34

Chapter 34 (EPOV)

I was going to be a dad!

Secretly buying my Bella a house was a great idea!

But what about school?

Honestly, I hated the place. Loved the city, but the school? It was overpriced for a future writer of fiction about dragons.

I could get a degree in Washington for less money and more creative leeway. If one more professor mocks Tolkien or Hickman I will be tempted to challenge them to a duel. That will be a pleasant experience for my Bella, because she will mock us all unmercifully.

"We should move back to Forks," my girl stated throwing chips into her mouth.

What?

Forks?

Chips?

"How about some carrot sticks?" I offered. She hit me in the head with a cheese puff.

Alrighty then.

Back to Forks. She read my mind again! We were truly soul mates.

"What about college?"

She looked at me if I was lacking brain cells. "They have colleges near home for you to go to. Colleges that will respect your love of history and fantasy. They don't appreciate your creativity here. Also we need your mom for babysitting."

Very true.

"What about you?" I sat next to her and took her hand. "Your art degree?"

She stuffed a cheese puff in my mouth. It's fake Day-Glo orange powder was not appetizing at all.

"I'm already more talented than everyone else," she stated pragmatically. It really was the truth. "People will want me to illustrate their books for them due to my God given skills. If not, I will scare them into submission. It's a good lesson for the zygote to learn at a young age. I can always go back later if I feel like it."

"You mean baby," I pointed out. "We should name him Aragon."

"No." She ate another puff.

"Merlin?"

"Nada, kid." Bella arched her eyebrow. "How about 'It'?"

"What about it?"

"The name. What about 'It'?

"It what?"

I was so confused.

"Name the fetus, 'It'!" She reclined on the couch. "You broke the carrier of your unborn alien's brain."

"Bella! We can't name our kid after a creepy clown." I shuddered. The memories came flooding back. "I can't believe you made me watch that!"

She put my head against her chest and ran her fingers through my hair. "Suck it up, you attractive baby. Your kid is hearing all your whining."

I loved her so!

"We tell them at Christmas?" I wondered.

"Yes," Bella answered. "Perhaps Chief Charlie will have the Christmas spirit and won't shoot you."

Oh no!


	35. Chapter 35

**AN: A few more and Grand Slam will be no more. Who wants a Home Run? Good, because this nonsense is going to be a trilogy.**

Chapter 35

"I can't believe you're leaving!" Heidi moaned. "What will I do without you?"

I just pointed to Tanya who took it from there. "Make me scream out in ecstasy, Sugar Lips. Don't worry, I'm from those parts. You, Chelsea and Diego can road trip it with me to visit Mama Bella."

I gave her the finger. Tanya just laughed.

We were sitting in the student center and watching for that not so devious Riley. I was going to ruin his reputation on campus, because it brought me joy. I was out of this Ivy League joint in a week, so I didn't care in the least about what anybody thought of me.

"I can't believe Ed is going for this. How did you talk him into it?" Tanya asked as she peeked at Kid hiding with Pete behind a pole.

I shrugged. "Sex and a package of Oreos. He is surprisingly easy."

"As are you," Tanya added with a snicker, as I flicked a paper clip at her that was lying on the table.

Heidi gasped, "Is that Edward's ex-roommate?"

It was. Felix had his mouth suctioned to Jane, that megalomaniacal sorority sister's mouth like an octopus. That was a surprise. I wonder if she was a Trekkie or whatever they call the _Star Wars_ nerds? Actually, I didn't care in the least either way.

Except I did, I must admit. Not the relationship, because whatever floats their dysfunctional boat. Obnoxious opposites attract and all that jazz. It was that this oddly surprising coupling was going to steal my thunder. All eyes were on them.

"Break it up, Tanya." I nodded towards Felix and his wandering hands. This was a public building, not a bordello. I lie. Kid and I would do the same thing they are.

Tanya pouted and stood. "Fine. You owe me. Ice cream, you pregnant pain in the ass."

She went over to Jane and Felix, loudly interrupting, "How did you do on the exam in Biology, guys?"

Jane removed her mouth from Felix's vacuum and looked at her in confusion. "We have Bio together?"

Tanya didn't even have Biology.

Heidi grabbed my arm and pulled it sharply. "He's here with a girl!"

"Stop shaking the fetus," I barked at her. "I know that chick."

Indeed I did. Her name was Jasmine and she wore dreads and reeked of patchouli. It was unfortunate I had to sit near her in ceramics. My art suffered as she droned on about the Woodstock and Janis Joplin. I see Riley boy had his new conquest.

They sat nearby. Riley took her hand and stroked it. He glanced over at me with a nod. Really? He was such a douche.

"It's on!" I glanced at Heidi who nodded and we headed over to Riley's table.

I sniffed loudly, "Riley?"

I could hear Tanya mutter, "Terrible, terrible actress."

"Yes, Bella?" He smiled his evil smile at me. "What can I do for you, Honey? I'm kind of on a date right now. How about you come by later?"

Uh huh. Sure.

I made was eyes really wide. Hopefully, I could push out some tears. "It's positive, Riley! We can start our loving family!"

"What?" He looked at me like I was crazy.

"I have been blessed with the fruit of our coming together biblically. We have to get married before my father finds out. He will surely shoot you!"

"What?" His mouth dropped open.

I looked at Heidi. "I thought he was going to be happy?"

I wailed into Heidi's black sweater. It smelled like Tanya. Gross.

"I told you not to trust his sweet words, Bella! Edward was always the right choice for you!" Heidi was a worse actress than I was. This was community theater at it's most horrific.

"Curses! I thought Riley cared for me!" I cried.

"What?" Riley was on repeat.

I threw my hands in the air. "My poor wee child will be a bastard!"

Tanya was laughing hysterically.

The student center was full and all eyes were on my revenge. People were texting and Jane was sending out the alert to the sororities.

Jasmine jumped up. "I thought I was the only one you've been with this semester!"

Rumor has it that Riley had about twenty girls in the classes he was the TA for. Not surprising. Some girls were just stupid.

"Jasmine! Wait!" Riley stood. "What is this all about, Bella?"

"You try to ruin me and I return the favor, dumb ass." I winked. I added louder, "I truly loved Edward! You destroyed it with your seed!"

"I still love you, my sweet!" Kid ran up and grabbed me like in one of his knights being romantic movies. "I will love you and this child, for there is still a chance it is mine. This Riley knave has been not honorable!"

"I never slept—" Riley began.

Kid punched him in the nose. He hissed, "Never mess with me or my girl!"

People started to cheer. Kid bowed and I curtsied. Riley was on the ground, clutching his nose.

Tanya came up still hyperventilating from laughter. "You two are crazy!"

"We are," Kid stated. He grabbed me and dipped me down for a kiss. "You ready to pack up and head home for Christmas, my lady?"

"Ready to head home forever, my lord," I replied without thinking.

He got a twinkle in his eye.

"No."

"But you just said it!" He exclaimed gleefully. "Say it again!"

"No?"

"Not that." He kissed me again.

"My lord," I mumbled.

"That's my girl!"

The things I do for him. Ugh. It must be love.


	36. Chapter 36

**AN: We are heading down to the end of this one, y'all. Three left.**

**Have you started Trio, yet? No? That's your homework assignment, kiddies.**

Chapter 36

"Christmas decided to throw up in here." I thought the front yard had been bad with the twinkling lights and light up decorative candy canes that lined the sidewalk. Dropping my duffel bag on the floor, I looked at Kid. "All the Santa and Frosty figurines are creeping the fetus out."

Kid patted my belly. "Our sweet princess can't see anything yet, Bella. She'll love it next year."

"She? Have you gone psychic on me? You really are the girl in this relationship."

He leaned down to kiss my belly, the big sap. He stood back up and wrapped his arm around my waist. "I know, I am. I think it's festive."

I was leaning towards overdone to an obsessive degree by psychotic elves. The tree reached the ceiling and could light up Times Square in New York City. It was covered in colored balls and stars ornaments. A nativity was placed on the fireplace mantel and I had an urge to replace the baby Jesus with a cow in the manger. So I did.

The devilish Santas were staring at me. They were probably pissed at the mean girl who was mocking the baby Jesus and his birthday. They were going to kill me in my sleep.

"Bella?" Kid's sweet voice forced me from my thoughts. "I bet she has cookies for us in the kitchen."

Cookies.

"Fuck Edward Cullen," Annie squawked.

Also a good idea.

Decisions. Decisions.

Cookies always win.

Until I saw the kitchen. I cried, "Our kitchen is a living Candy Land game!"

There were gingerbread men dish towels. Bouquets of pine tree branches, holly and candy canes were placed on spaces needed to make food. A giant gingerbread house was mocking me with it's decadent candy. Kid tried to take off a piece and it wouldn't budge. In outrage he yelled, "Mom used super glue! Why would she do that to good candy?"

I had created a sugar obsessed monster. It was hot and I had lost my appetite. It made perfect sense to follow the wise advice of my foul mouthed bird.

Grabbing my kid's hand, I dragged him up the stairs. "We need to christen the house."

Kid stopped abruptly. "Are you suggesting we sexually christen our new love nest?"

"Umm. . . Unless you want to hit it with a wine bottle like a boat, than yes, I mean for you to do dirty debauchery to me on our bed. Of course, I can also do these nasty things to you. I just know you get scandalized so very easily, kid."

"Can I spank—"

"No."

"Oh." He grinned, cheekily. "I thought I would give it a shot."

"You're tenacious, I give you that."

He then picked me up swung me over his shoulder. He gave my butt a tap. "Oops! Did I just do that?"

"Cheeky bastard," I said with a grin.

We continued upstairs with me backwards, Edward opened the door and said quickly, "I'm starving! Let's go to the diner for some dinner."

"You were starving for me a minute ago and now—" I wiggled out of his grasp and let out a scream. My beautiful bedroom was Santa's Fucking Village. Santa Claus was everywhere. There were Santas on sleighs. Santas wrapping packages. Santas eating cookies. Santa was even surfing. They were worse than those demon clowns.

"Santa Claus," I hissed.

"God, you are so sexy when you're mad." My kid tossed me on the bed. The shirt I wore was ripped off and Kid attacked my chest with gusto.

"The Old St. Nicks are watching," I said with raspy breath. His fingers—

Santa on a polar bear was glaring at me.

"My queen, concentrate on my lips." Kid's mouth was on mine as he slipped out of his jeans. I had one eye opened. I had to make sure the Santas weren't up to no good.

Kid's hands were magical and, when we finally joined, I almost forgot about the Santa playing baseball. I bet Kid already owned that one.

"Oh! Oh! Oh! Kid!"

"My queen!"

"My lord!"

"Oh my God, you two are perverts," Tanya called up the stairs.

Oh shit.

"Fuck Edward Cullen!" Annie crowed.

"I got that bird. The whole neighborhood heard." Tanya started cackling. The witch. "I'm staying in the guest room. The parental units are having issues with me being a lesbian again."

Kid started to roll off and I pushed him back on. "Don't you dare stop! If the evil Santas aren't deterring me than Tanya won't either! She needs to get used to our noises!"

Kid smiled at me and whispered as he thrusted, "We'll move the Santas to the guest room!"

"Oh Edward! Say it again!"

"Burn them in an incinerator!"

"Oh Edward! More!"

"Shoot them with BB guns! Oh so good, Bella!"

"Edward!"

Then I heard Tanya loudly say, "I really feel bad for you, bird. Thank goodness I brought ear plugs."


	37. Chapter 37

Chapter 37

We decided to have an impromptu party at the new house. All Santas were boxed up and put away. Note to self, never go down in the basement. They were in there and plotting my demise.

The Teeny Tiny Dictator and Cheech, the newly reunited love pigeons, were not invited. Dictator had a huge mouth and a tendency to let information fly.

We hadn't told the parental units that we were in town. It was better that way. Esme was a planner and had the house and cookies ready early, so she could make her house a bigger Yule time spectacle. The plan was to show up Christmas Eve arms full of gifts. Get Chief Charlie, Dr. Carl and Esme drunk enough that they bordered on sleepy and drop the fetus bomb on them. A sleepy Charlie can't get to his fire arms. He can barely get the bathroom on time in that condition. It was a perfect plan.

"How about some Chex Mix?" I shoved a bag at Boobs.

She smiled at me sweetly. "You are becoming quite the hostess, Bella."

Kate snorted loudly.

"Shove it, Katie!" I complained.

The name Mary Jane didn't fit my friend anymore. Her words didn't slur and she was bright eyed to the world around her. Oh how I missed the old days.

"Ang, can we just go back to my parent's house?" James Taylor complained, "Bella's voice is giving me a headache. Girl, you have got to realize that buying random bags of junk food and tossing them at people doesn't make an enjoyable party."

"I have provided you all with a tasty tray of meat and cheeses from the grocery store. Sing your bad lyrics elsewhere, James Taylor." I looked at Boobs. "You really couldn't find a nice boy that's obsessed with the Celtics and Guinness? You stuck with James Taylor instead?"

"He has a gentle spirit," Angela explained. That girl was delusional.

My kid actually let out a chuckle. I had to agree.

"I like your meat and cheeses, Bella," the Jolly Green Giant complimented. He really was green. He wore a tent of a sweater that was green and had a reindeer head on it. He held out a beer to me. "Brew, Bella?"

"No thanks." I tried to busy myself by opening a bag of pretzels.

Giant looked at Trailer. "You're right, Babe. She's knocked up."

My mouth dropped open and the pretzels flew in the air. I looked at Trailer who had that monster gargoyle attached to her bosom again. I think it was permanently fused on.

Trailer winked at me. "I could tell by the way you were visiting the bathroom every ten minutes. The sounds you make throwing up are scary, Swan!"

"Cullen. It's Cullen now." My kid was a broken record when it came to my last name.

Giant fist pumped. "Our kids are going to get married!"!

No.

My spawn will not be marrying the baby who ate Tokyo. No freaking way.

"I could be vomiting about James Taylor's face." This was a very valid explanation.

"The thought of Bella always makes me ill," James Taylor admitted. Glad we agree on our mutual disgust.

Tanya was watching this all and sipping on a wine cooler. "She's knocked up and the happy family are moving back to Forks."

"Fuck Edward Cullen!" Annie Oakley chimed in.

"That's right, bird." Tanya added, "I swear these two are like fornicating rabbits. It's constant and slightly funny."

Teeth cheered, "Let me be the first to congratulate you both! This is literally the greatest news!"

His smile was so big. It must hurt his jaw.

Giant was bouncing up and down. "We were so lonely! My buddies are back! My buddies are back! Dungeon and Dragons weekends are going to be epic!"

Oh no.

Kate looked up with a grin. "You are going to be the most easy going mother ever."

"I will, because Kid is staying home with the spawn."

Kid just beamed with happiness.

"You told the Chief, yet?" James Taylor asked.

"No," my kid admitted. "We need to be really gentle with him."

"You'll need a bullet proof vest, Ed." James Taylor gave my kid a beer. "Drink up, my friend. You are going to need a lot of liquid courage."

Kid looked pale. He ran to the bathroom. The noises he was making were worse than mine.

It seems morning sickness was catching.


	38. Chapter 38

**AN: One more.**

Chapter 38

There was the gentle and nauseating sounds of Kenny J's light jazz rendition of the Christmas classic, _White Christmas_ surrounding us. Kid's hand clutched tightly to mine as we sat on the love seat in his parent's living room. The dim lighting, lit cranberry scented candles and the white Christmas lights on the tree made an eerie ambiance in the room.

Kid was two seconds away from blowing chunks.

I was surprisingly chipper.

It was nice to relax and gorge on Esme's delicious cheddar tarts. They were yummy.

Esme was already drunk on spiked cider and dancing around the tree. I was waiting for her to trip. It was a fun game.

Dr. Carl was sitting on the couch and eyeing my stomach. That man was far too observant for his own good. Which probably was super when he was treating patients, but annoying when he was being a meddling father-in-law. I should distract him with talk of wizards.

"How are you feeling lately, Bella?" He asked. The ice in his whiskey was clinking on his glass in a steady beat, as Dr. Carl moved his hand slightly to rock the glass.

He was hypnotizing me.

Well played, Dr. Carl, well played.

"Dandy. Positively dandy," I replied. "What wizard level are you on? Can you turn men into newts?"

He immediately became excited. What a chump. "Oh Bella, it's amazing! I can do so many more spells! Just wait until Dr. Harris tries to one up me at the next Dungeons and—"

"Is Bella sick?" My dad was sitting in a chair looking at me with narrowed eyes. He sat his beer on a nearby coffee table and Esme flitted over with a pirouette to put a coaster under it. "What were you two yahoos doing in that house on your fake honeymoon?"

I couldn't feel my hand. Kid was squeezing it so hard that I was losing circulation.

Kid started sputtering gibberish, so I clasped my free hand over his mouth. I addressed my father, "Whatever are you referring to, Papa?"

"Are you getting drunk every night?"  
I couldn't help but snicker. That would be the absolute opposite of what was happening.

Kid whimpered.

"Trust me, dad. Not an issue."

Dr. Carl then blurted out, "She's pregnant!"

My dad jumped up yelling, "They aren't married!"

"We are," I disagreed. "Kind of."

"Where's my gun!" Dad was the color of a red delicious apple. It was slightly fetching. Put some color in those old cheeks.

Kid threw up in my hand.

Then on my jeans.

Followed by the floor.

Dancing Esme came over to clean me up, ignoring her heaving son. "I'm so happy, sweetie!"

She kissed my belly.

Ugh.

Dr. Carl scratched his head. "It appears you have the flu, son."

Yes, the Charlie Swan is Going To Kill Me strain. It was pretty easy to diagnose.

My father started pacing and muttering to himself, hands moving constantly. He kept knocking over bowls of candy canes. They were everywhere.

I grabbed one and started sucking it. Esme, Dancing Queen Cullen continued to sponge me off and shake her tush. It was funny.

Kid, still quite green, turned towards me and watched as I sucked. His eyes never leaving my mouth. He was easily distracted like his father, the only difference the kid liked sex not wizards.

It was slightly disgusting after the projectile vomiting.

"You have got to be kidding me, boy! Those kind of looks got my daughter in trouble in the first place!" Chief Charlie was going to spontaneously combust.  
This candy cane were really good. It was pleasant to see not only could Esme do the Twist, but she could make minty candies.

Dad was still yelling about sex. I wasn't really listening.

"The deed is done," I interrupted his blabbering. "Can't add more spawn in there."

"What about school?"

Would just dad's head explode or his whole body?

I licked my cane and then said calmly, "We're moving into our house and finishing school here. Kid in creative writing. I will pick up art classes later. I'm too perfect to be taught anything, but perhaps they can learn to be almost as wonderful as I am."

"You are lucky you aren't dead, boy!" My dad screamed. "You need to get on a plane to Vegas right now and make this right!"

"I love grandbabies!" Esme twirled. She was wasted.

Kid started vomiting again and tried to say, "I. . . Marriage. . . Bell. . . Love. . . Yes—"

"Now Charlie, if we just rationally talk about this we will all realize that everything will be fine!" Dr. Carl loved playing peace maker.

All of a sudden, Dad started laughing and pointing to a doorway. "Really, Carlisle? What about that? Looks like that one is going to be next!"

Dictator and Cheech had stumbled through the door with their hair looking like a bird's nests. Dictator shirt was buttoned up wrong. Cheech's zipper was down. I guess that was what was taking them so long to get my seltzer. Damn them. I'm thirsty.

"Why is everybody screaming?" Dictator asked in confusion.

"Where's my drink?" Let's focus on the important things. The pregnant lady needs a beverage.

Dr. Carl's eyes grew wide and he cried, "Not my innocent baby!"

He fainted and landed in his son's vomit.

Merry Christmas.


	39. Chapter 39

**AN: This is the end of the road for Grand Slam. But if you all are very sweet, which you all are, I will try and post the first chapter of the third part of Bella and Edward's adventures tomorrow. You can author alert me and keep a look out for Home Run, the last part of the trilogy.**

**Thank you so much for reading!**

Chapter 39

"He didn't shoot you. That was a holiday miracle." I was lying in my kid's arms watching the fire. I made him get naked, while I was bundled up in sweatshirt, fleece, plaid pajama bottoms and heavy socks. It was Christmas Eve, I was pregnant with a tiny organism and I wanted my man nude. I get what I want. "I thought he was going to gut you with a candy cane."

He grimaced. "He'll have plenty of time for that on Christmas morning."

"He can work in unison with your dad. Cheech might be poisoned by the good doctor with arsenic flavored egg nog." I could already imagine the holiday would become like a bad seventies Christmas horror flick. Dr. Carl wearing a Santa suit, carrying a scythe and chasing after the stoner.

"I'll help him!" My naked kid is quite fetching when being a protective older brother. Oh look, Christmas cookies.

I munched on a reindeer sugar cookie. "You'll be busy."

He looked at me excitedly. Hate to burst his bubble. I looked into the flickering flames of the fire and then at his erect penis.

"My dad will be chasing you down with the carving knife for the turkey your mom is making."

Wow. It deflates just like a balloon.

"I'm a little cold," Kid complained. He was probably covering for his now limp noodle.

"Want a blanket?" I started to get up. "We should get a bear skin rug. You would lie on it and I would take pictures."

"You find that sexy?" He wigged his eyebrows and pulled me back onto the floor.

"I find that ridiculous. I like the potential laughter it will give me." It would be hysterical.

My sweatshirt and the tee I wore underneath was pulled off. He gave me a brilliant smile and played with my breasts. "No bra. My favorite look."

"Oh you silly perv, what are you up to?" He licked my neck

His hands pulled down my pants. I scowled at him. "Dude, it's freezing and I'm incubating your spawn!"

He hovered over me. "Haven't you heard of body heat, my beautiful curmudgeon?"

His hands roamed and I squealed, "Oh Edward!"

That seductive kid was ruining my cool factor. Yeah, I kind of loved it.

"Say it." God, he was being demanding. It was Christmas, so I would allow him to get away with it.

"My lord," I barely contained the eye roll. I was Christmas spirit personified.

Kid kissed me with a smile and asked, "Will you marry me for real? In Vegas?"

"Can I play roulette? The penny slots in the smoke free room?"

He laughed. "Sure."

"Buffett? The all you can eat variety?"

"Anything for you, Bella."

"Overpriced porn in the room? It's the best comedy around."

"I love you, crazy woman!"

My decision was clear. I loved him and all that jazz.

"I will head to Vegas and make the spawn not a bastard."

He kissed me happily and when he pulled away stated, "You have such a romantic way with words."

Of course, I did. I have a gift.

We started to do more of the kissing and I must say he was correct about body heat.

"Fuck Edward Cullen!" Annie Oakley squawked.

Working on it, Annie. Working on it.

Fin.


End file.
